Dear Amanda,

i've made a new goal in my life to get tan.
because i've realized that goal is completely attainable.
in fact, i'm already quite on my way to accomplishing it. ahaha.
i've been to the beach like 4 times in the last week.
omg, did i tell you that i feel like i'm in training to be a nanny or something? i've dropped off and picked up both my brother and sister to school every week day since i've been here. hahaha. ridiculous.
then, today i realized i should probably do something about my coolant light being on again, so i opened up the hood of my car, tried to open the radiator funnel thing and green stuff came gurgliing out at me, and after putting more 50/50 in, the light was still on? lol, i'm sooo good at mechanics. why don't i get a job doing that this summer? at least i happened to have a funnel in my car :)

that was the adventure of the day so far... who knows what can happen next?
maybe i'll find a giraffe in my bedroom or somethin. hahaha

love you!

Dear Amanda,

So i haven't had my computer for the last couple days..it's broken, imagine that.
You're the only person i feel comfortable actually saying this to without being extremely nervous that they will get incredibly annoyed or that they will get sick of me...

but i really think that i'm seriously depressed. what with the feeling like i have no friends and nothing to do ..and my whole family falling apart.

needless to say, all i feel like doing is sleeping.
and not even that sounds like what i want to do.
and i can't help but feel like i'm going to feel this way forever...because it's been a week and i don't feel any better yet.

i want to get better...i'm not trying to sulk or even wallow in self pity.
it's like i'm just hurting inside. and i cant concentrate on anything else.

i think i'll feel better...i just don't yet, and i'm sick of feigning excitement, even though i know that my mom and people around me understand, i just feel like i'm a dissapointment every day i'm not myself yet. even though they tell me otherwise.

i don't know what to do.

i love you.
i can't wait to see you.

Dear Amanda,

I have resolved that it is time for ME to listen to GOD.
Not listen to other people talk to me ABOUT God.
Not listen to people tell me what God is saying to me.
Not listen to God speak through other people...

but DIRECTLY to me.

Because i know, that he is willing.
And i know, that he is speaking.
And i know, that i haven't really been listening.

I want to hear the unsolicited voice of God.
To incline my ear to that small and gentle whisper.
Because He IS in control.
Because He has plans set before me that i will never understand.
Because I'm learning that He isn't out to torture me.

Because I'm worth it.
Becuase He loves me.

To realize that i have misunderstood,
thinking that He was simply someone to go to for guidance
and not...

a best friend, an abba father, my daddy.



He will speak, i will listen, and

I WILL do what He says.

Dear Amanda,

So i had a very full day yesterday.
First of all, I finished cleaning my room [but, there is a secret stash of clean laundry sitting in the dryer that i'm trying to avoid having to squeeze into my closet.] and the worst part about that is, that i just got rid of 2 trashbags of clothes. and i found a jacket that is super cute that i think would fit you. We'll find out. You might think it's really ugly. haha.
So i went roller blading like i said and i totally got sunburnt. Then i ended up helping with choreography for the play that's on the same weekend as Angie and Manny's wedding, then i just hung out with drama people for a little bit.. then i went to my youth group.

And seriously, ok, when i came into the youth group i remembered why i love it here, because i love the kids in my youth group. i really do. i love them. And if anything is worth living for down here, it's them.
So i spent the night at my friend Erica and Emily's house last night and then i met my friend whitney for breakfast. and it's cool because Whitney has been one person who has actually asked me if i missed people and things in Napa and it actually was a breath of fresh air like, someone recognized that i have feelings.

so now i am applying for jobs online, looking for a good cheap flight and watching The Devil wears Prada on my new little super old 13inch tv i have in my room :)

oh yea,
if i get the flight, i'm going to be here Saturday morning and i will leave monday night.
but i think i'm going to keep it a secret if i do get the tickets so don't say anything to anyone. especially angie.

i love you.
i miss you a lot.

Dear Amanda,

I'm taking your advice.
I don't think i realized how calming it is to not have to do anything really, and to have an empty house to do it in. My worship music is blaring, and I am in the middle of cleaning my room. I really think that i will end up cleaning out some of my closet today too. And then I'll mail stuff up to Courtney Wyatt and Jaclyn because they called dibs? haha.

...

So currently I am at that stage of cleaning up where you're almost done, but the last things you have to pick up just seem like boulders and a huge pain to put away. I hate this part. I'm losing juice. ahahaha...didn't get my glass of apple juice last night...maybe that's why. haha

love you!

Dear Amanda,

So today has been extremely weird.
Because it's true, I'm in southern California, and i'm doing all the things that i've ever done in southern california, but i kinda feel like i'm just wandering around and not doing anything useful. Like, i just feel very mopey. The people who i was so looking forward to hang out with, i wasn't excited about.
i don't know. it was kinda pathetic.

So today i had a taste of a burban slushy and i watched knocked up.
two totally anti everything fuel things. and it was just, ehh. you know? I totally just feel like i have no personality, and no aim or purpose.

So Manuel asked me for the message that Brent sent to me in response to what i had asked him... and i had never said anything to Manny about that message...i wonder if Jaclyn or Angie did. so i sent it to him.

i'm excited that you're getting a dress made for you.
did you ever figure out whether you can send the other one back or not?

i think i have to clean out my closet...soon. because all my stuff can't be unpacked because there's not enough room.

Napa feels like a dream. I've been thinking about it all day long. i guess i'm just feeling really lonely.
what's really strange to me is that i haven't really broken down about it yet... like i've only cried a couple tears this whole time. but i just feel really wrecked up inside

i'm sorry about how depressing this post is.
i promise it will get better soon.

i just don't know what to do about it.

i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So this morning I had all these grandiose plans of waking up early..which was kinda ridiculous when I didn't go to bed til 2:40am. So I ended up waking up at like 10:40 which I'm pretty sure is the latest I've slept in in the last 8 months. haha.
So I have this like dancing with the stars cardio workout video and i decided that i was going to do it this morning, and it DESTROYED me. seriously, i was exhausted afterwards. then, i'm all, glad that's over, and i take a shower and i slipped and fell: like a horrible fall, and just started laughing, because yea, it hurt, but it was soooo ridiculous. hahaha. then i did my devos, and my plans for today? honestly, i just want my room to look normal and get most of my stuff unpacked.

that's all i want. normality.
however, it will not happen.
getting used to this is what i think they call "moving on"
i don't know about this.

well,
being 7 1/2 hours away doesn't stop me from loving you at all.
i discovered that when i thought about how going to your house wasn't part of my plans for the day :(.

xoxo.

Dear Amanda,

It is 2 am, and I am home. I actually got home at about 1 am, but since then I have been up trying to put some stuff away and check the endless comments on the excessive amount of Facebook status updates I made via cell phone whilst on the road.

hahahhaha so not only did we
1. almost overheat so we had to pull off the side of the road and cool the engine down for a good amount of time...

but i also..

2. had to go about 90 miles per hour on the grapevine to keep the momentum going to be able to get up those hills and stuff [and, oh yea, my windows were rolled down and the heater was on full blast] complaining sister+bad sound system+bad food in my system= definitely a road trip. haha

and then...

3. i almost get pulled over by a cop a mile from my house because i'm going 50 in a 45 zone. and my mom freaks out. even though i didn't actually get pulled over. haha.

and now, i think i'm really tired, but i'm just staying up for no reason. i'm not 100% sure why i'm doing that.

and my plans for tomorrow?:

7:00am; wake up and do a workout video or something
8:00am: devotions. see how loud i can play my music with no one complaining.
all day long...unpack.
3:00: pick up my brother and sister and visit people at the hs i went to.
night-time: go to my friend's house and watch a movie and have dinner.

that's an estimation.
wow, i miss you already.

love you!
xoxo

I LOVE getting ready for fancy things. It's my favorite. However..... I have No idea what I'm going to do with my hair. Shhh!

Dear Amanda,

Here is my todo list for the day:

1. find a place to take my car

2. Finish Packing

3. Clean My room

4. take a shower

5. set my curls

6. get ready for tonight

7. tell Manny that my parents are staying at my host home

8. finish the end gifts

9. paint my nails

10. send my mother a chill pill.

Believe it or not, i just talked to my brother on the phone, and he was the most refreshing person in the family to talk to. he's so calm and doesn't care about anything.
i love him.

i tossed and turned a lot last night...i'm not 100% sure why. Sometimes i just have nights like that, you know?

i have one box that's full that's really bugging me in the middle of the room because it's full of shoes and then one or two hanging things and it doesn't close...

ps... who made that tres leches that was in your fridge that one day? omg..it was soooooo good. seriously.

i think that when i go home i'm going to try and workout.. but find things that i enjoy doing that are workouts.


that advice that you gave me last night was really good. it challenged me. it definitely has me thinking.

sorry about how sporadic my thoughts are right now.. seriously: so random.

after the last few nights....i really feel like a Salaiz.

Dorri Lachelle Salaiz. i think it works. a lot more than Dorri Hall does.

i love you.