Dear Amanda,

Here is the deal-i-o.

1. i am super pissed at Jessy [the girl who told me that made my life hell yesterday via using and abusing information i told her] and i'm now having a hard time with trusting anybody.

2. i am still feeling like i screwed up this guy's life even though countless people have told me that i didn't.

3. I absolutely HATE deaf conventions. they are SOOO boring. like, ridiculously. i don't know whether it is the continual smiling and nodding at people who have known me since i was born, or the wonderful services, or the 9 hour car ride with my family, or perhaps the fact that i was supposed to have a bed to share with my sister and instead i am sleeping on a cot. I have no idea. Supposedly i'm supposed to be here. God only knows why.

seriously, i wish my days were getting better instead of worse. i just feel like crying but i know i can't because i am going to be surrounded by my family all weekend and they don't understand what's going on.

On to better things... i had my red robin interview and i really think it went well. hopefully i got that job.

i'm trying to decide whether i need to call Cody's brother and tell him to watch Cody....because he told me that he was going to commit suicide if people found out about this.. which i don't think he'll actually go through with it.. but he is a very rash person. i'm so worried. i don't know what to do?! why does it feel like my life is going to hell and a handbasket?

i just need a hug.
and the worst part is.. that i don't even know who i can trust anymore.
at one point in my life Jessy was almost as important to me as you are.
and she just turned around and did this to me.

i don't know if any of this has made sense.
ask if you need clarity.

what do you think i should do?
i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So i am about to leave for my interview. and i am very nervous. but i know it will be all good.

yay. hopefully i say all the right things.

i wanted to say thanks again for being there for me last night. i literally don't know what i would do without you.

i love you so much.

xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So lots of things have gone down in the last couple days. I actually haven't posted because i've been keeping my rule about not going on my computer later than 10:00...which i'm currently breaking, but for the sake of simply making a post on here, because it has been a long time! So the other day i went into the jewelry shop and just hung out with the girl boss, who i actually really like, she gave me a bunch of new rings and we had lunch and we went out on a duffy boat that she rented and i drove the whole time. we actually almost got stuck on the ground because it was low tide and we were in the place where you're not supposed to go. So we did that, and had lunch and it was a heck of a time. and obviously she wants me to come back and work with her.. but i don't want to. and then she asked me if i would just work one day.. just tomorrow and i told her i would just because, you know, i still have a phone bill that i have to pay on June 3rd. So i'm doing that tomorrow, but only after the interview that i have at Red robin that i am so excited about! i really, really want to get the job. hopefully the manager likes me enough to hire me. Let's see, what else has happened. oh, i cleaned my room, got rid of the tv that i had, and since i have already spent a significantly more amount of time in devotions instead of staying up til 3 am watching tv. oh yea, and i may, or may not have gotten another piercing. but i promise you, i'm done after this one! really this time. i think one more would be crossing the line. you know that line, between did you just walk out of hot topic and cool. the bachelorette has started, and i am already a big fan of two of the guys. one's name is frank.. and the other is this guy with a kind of a weird voice, but he's super cute. love it. I think that she's already kinda starting to fall for this latin guy named Roberto. Anywho, enough of that, I have this wonderful deaf convention this weekend which i am not looking forward to and worst of all, if i stayed home i literally have so many random jobs open for just this weekend that i could probably make a couple hundred dollars. SOOOOOO LAME! oh well. supposedly it's God's will that i go. i have no clue why. i guess we'll find out. I'll keep you posted. Let's see...what else. oh yea, my brother is suicidal again, and is cutting again. yay. puts a fun mood on the house.
and i really want to redecorate and rearrange my room. BADLY. seriously, it has been this way for so long. time to change. too bad i can't do that til i have the money to buy paint and stuff. Have you ever realized just how much it costs to do anything? seriously, money is always involved. soo sad.
alright, well that is my rant for the night. i can't wait for tomorrow..it's going to be super weird. really. i hope i get it. i'm trying to figure out what to wear, but i'm not even sure yet. i'll decide. it will be good. oh yea, and my family got one of those things you have in your garage that you hang the punching bag on and you can beat it all you want! yes! i'm so stoked.

ok, well i love you with all my heart, and i miss you a lot. a lot, a lot.

Dear Amanda,

i feel like shit.

i don't know how i keep letting this happen.
i would call you, but i don't even know what to say.
i'm so embarrassed.

tonight's events were probably the worst possible for me.
i thought it was just going to be "fun"
and it was...
but i think that there is an obvious difference when i hang out with them and when i hang out with other people.

i just hate how i feel right now.
i wish i could talk to you.
i do. but i know you're sleeping.



...i'm sorry.

Dear Amanda,

My ex-boss and his wife are trying to get me to work with them this summer at the silver store.
And so this man, Tony George..who i despise and made my life hell for the last summer, slightly reminiscent of a certain John Hall, has joined facebook just to taunt me and convince me to work with him.

i don't know what to do. every time i see his name i get aggravated.
but, he's offering me a job. a life-sucking, horrible job. but a job.

AGHH.

Dear Amanda,

I am in LOVE with Idina Menzel [Rachel's mom on Glee]
seriously. she is my idol.

so yesterday i watched two season finales of the same show [gossip girl] within a couple hours of each other. talk about confusing.
needless to say, i have "xoxo, Gossip Girl" stuck in my head.

Maybe it's time i stop spending so much time watching tv.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

it is weird that i just saw you the other day. i feel like it was a dream.

So, i had an idea for my room the other day when you were talking about your grandma who collects buttons and covers them from ceiling to floor. Well, what if i used buttons[like sewing buttons] and did the same thing with one wall..and then painted the other walls in correlation? that would be so cute and soo happy! it'll take a lot of work, but i think it will be worth it.

i am super excited because for the first time in a while i am going out with a group of friends.. tomorrow night. it should be a lot of fun: bowling and just hanging out. and earlier in the morning i am going to some women in ministry luncheon with the new guy in charge of the district in the assemblies of God. I am hoping to find a job there... or anywhere else for that matter.

Actually, my old boss messaged me on facebook yesterday and told me that i had my job back if i wanted it...and i literally hated my life when i worked there...so i told her i would think about it. [the life-sucking jewelry store, remember?]

So, you are going to laugh at this. i think that i have some sort of like sexual frustration built up because i haven't even been like vaguely interested in any boys that knew i exist for a while... and so i feel this need to like someone and yet there is no one in my life to like. i have looked. maybe that's a good thing. i don't know.

Anywho. oh! yesterday, i fixed the dress angie gave me, and now it fits and its cute! i'm so excited to wear it. my mom was like, wow, this must be important to you that you're spending this much time fixing something. and it was. and then, haha afterwards, i tried to make this skirt with layers and a pocket, and it was an epic failure. like the worst. like, i wouldn't even wear it. hhaha. good times.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

It is 2 AM.

i have to leave my house at 5 AM

that is all.

Dear Amanda,

i thought i should let you know that i own these. and i'm wearing them today.
thought you might get a kick out of that.
#51.

Dear Amanda,

I think that i really want to take dance classes this summer... i miss dancing sooo much. it's like an integral part of who i am.
but, once again, that requires money, which requires me finding a job. it is AMAZING to me how just about everything in America revolves around having money. So i watched the movie "Fame" this morning, and i'm pretty much realizing just how much i love singing/dancing/musical schools and life. Really. [if you hadn't guessed by my obsession with Glee] omg, ps, i watched this other show the other night called Marriage Ref... its a Jerry seinfeld show, and it is seriously hilarious. like married people send in a tape of a fight they have, and then a panel of celebrities discuss their problems and make jokes and then decide who is right in the argument. you should watch it. really. So every day feels like a saturday to me these days. i spent the night at my friend Christina's house last night and we literally have just chilled. we made breakfast and watched movies. and i think we are going to go bike riding. [gotta fit that exercise in there somewhere, right? lol] so i have this horrible.. what are they called, i think it's a cold sore? blegh. it hurts sooo bad. i feel like it's eating my face.
So last night [did i mention that this summer i am learning how to cook?!] i learned how to make hamburgers. i actually like put the meat together and mixed in mustard and salt and pepper and oil and put my thumb print on them and then cooked them on this grill thing. i was sooo proud of myself. And at my friend Kelly's house i have this whole pitcher of non alcoholic burban slush... so basically just slush. hahah and i've been drinking it nonstop because, seriously, it is sooo good! its like lemonade and orange juice and other stuff and then you pour sprite into it. i think next time she's going to let me make it and i'm going to put it into the freezer so it's an actual slush instead of just drink. and maybe i'll find myself a little umbrella..and put sugar around the rim :)

i can't wait to see you saturday! YAY!
love you!