Dear Amanda,

I have a confession to make.

i stole a pillow from the hotel.

it is goose feather down, and i love it.


i am really concerned about this whole job thing. really. it has me up in a wad. I am stressed about it, and honestly, ready to not be able to be teased or looked at as lazy or incapable.

bahhh.

i drove the entire way from Santa Rosa.. and now i am just tired out.

[explains why i am practically falling asleep at the keyboard right now]


i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

i love being away from home, even for a little bit with the family. Just hanging out around a hotel is a lot of fun..and definitely stress free.

tomorrow hopefully i will get a phone call saying "Dorri, please come work for us at Red Robin"

i'm sittin in this empty lobby right now, you know, there is something about empty comfortable places. i could just be here forever. it's so calming. so quiet. so relaxing. i love it.
a comfy chair + chill music + fireplace + general peace and quiet + a computer= :)

good times.

have fun on your drive.
i miss you and love you.

Dear Amanda,

i am currently ditching a very long, quite amusing/ridiculous talent show.

Really. check out that video that i texted you again.

I'm really tired. but i think i'm going to get up and work out before i drive the 45ish minutes to Hillside tomorrow morning... especially because i caught a glimpse of myself in a swimsuit today, and if THAT's not motivation, i don't know what is. haha

So i'm pretty sure that today Cody removed me from being his friend on FB [or he could have earlier, i just didn't notice til today] and i'm pretty sure he's not planning on acknowledging what happened to anyone. which could explode in his and my face, or could be perfect. who knows. i guess it's a shock when people act on their hatred...even if you already know that they hate you.

life seems to be passing by very slowly. not that i'm looking forward to anything, but, you know? idk.

i'm so sorry that you are sick. i hate being sick. it's the worst. i can't even imagine being sick with children.

i love you.
reallly. with all my heart.

Dear Amanda,

Here is the deal-i-o.

1. i am super pissed at Jessy [the girl who told me that made my life hell yesterday via using and abusing information i told her] and i'm now having a hard time with trusting anybody.

2. i am still feeling like i screwed up this guy's life even though countless people have told me that i didn't.

3. I absolutely HATE deaf conventions. they are SOOO boring. like, ridiculously. i don't know whether it is the continual smiling and nodding at people who have known me since i was born, or the wonderful services, or the 9 hour car ride with my family, or perhaps the fact that i was supposed to have a bed to share with my sister and instead i am sleeping on a cot. I have no idea. Supposedly i'm supposed to be here. God only knows why.

seriously, i wish my days were getting better instead of worse. i just feel like crying but i know i can't because i am going to be surrounded by my family all weekend and they don't understand what's going on.

On to better things... i had my red robin interview and i really think it went well. hopefully i got that job.

i'm trying to decide whether i need to call Cody's brother and tell him to watch Cody....because he told me that he was going to commit suicide if people found out about this.. which i don't think he'll actually go through with it.. but he is a very rash person. i'm so worried. i don't know what to do?! why does it feel like my life is going to hell and a handbasket?

i just need a hug.
and the worst part is.. that i don't even know who i can trust anymore.
at one point in my life Jessy was almost as important to me as you are.
and she just turned around and did this to me.

i don't know if any of this has made sense.
ask if you need clarity.

what do you think i should do?
i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So i am about to leave for my interview. and i am very nervous. but i know it will be all good.

yay. hopefully i say all the right things.

i wanted to say thanks again for being there for me last night. i literally don't know what i would do without you.

i love you so much.

xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So lots of things have gone down in the last couple days. I actually haven't posted because i've been keeping my rule about not going on my computer later than 10:00...which i'm currently breaking, but for the sake of simply making a post on here, because it has been a long time! So the other day i went into the jewelry shop and just hung out with the girl boss, who i actually really like, she gave me a bunch of new rings and we had lunch and we went out on a duffy boat that she rented and i drove the whole time. we actually almost got stuck on the ground because it was low tide and we were in the place where you're not supposed to go. So we did that, and had lunch and it was a heck of a time. and obviously she wants me to come back and work with her.. but i don't want to. and then she asked me if i would just work one day.. just tomorrow and i told her i would just because, you know, i still have a phone bill that i have to pay on June 3rd. So i'm doing that tomorrow, but only after the interview that i have at Red robin that i am so excited about! i really, really want to get the job. hopefully the manager likes me enough to hire me. Let's see, what else has happened. oh, i cleaned my room, got rid of the tv that i had, and since i have already spent a significantly more amount of time in devotions instead of staying up til 3 am watching tv. oh yea, and i may, or may not have gotten another piercing. but i promise you, i'm done after this one! really this time. i think one more would be crossing the line. you know that line, between did you just walk out of hot topic and cool. the bachelorette has started, and i am already a big fan of two of the guys. one's name is frank.. and the other is this guy with a kind of a weird voice, but he's super cute. love it. I think that she's already kinda starting to fall for this latin guy named Roberto. Anywho, enough of that, I have this wonderful deaf convention this weekend which i am not looking forward to and worst of all, if i stayed home i literally have so many random jobs open for just this weekend that i could probably make a couple hundred dollars. SOOOOOO LAME! oh well. supposedly it's God's will that i go. i have no clue why. i guess we'll find out. I'll keep you posted. Let's see...what else. oh yea, my brother is suicidal again, and is cutting again. yay. puts a fun mood on the house.
and i really want to redecorate and rearrange my room. BADLY. seriously, it has been this way for so long. time to change. too bad i can't do that til i have the money to buy paint and stuff. Have you ever realized just how much it costs to do anything? seriously, money is always involved. soo sad.
alright, well that is my rant for the night. i can't wait for tomorrow..it's going to be super weird. really. i hope i get it. i'm trying to figure out what to wear, but i'm not even sure yet. i'll decide. it will be good. oh yea, and my family got one of those things you have in your garage that you hang the punching bag on and you can beat it all you want! yes! i'm so stoked.

ok, well i love you with all my heart, and i miss you a lot. a lot, a lot.

Dear Amanda,

i feel like shit.

i don't know how i keep letting this happen.
i would call you, but i don't even know what to say.
i'm so embarrassed.

tonight's events were probably the worst possible for me.
i thought it was just going to be "fun"
and it was...
but i think that there is an obvious difference when i hang out with them and when i hang out with other people.

i just hate how i feel right now.
i wish i could talk to you.
i do. but i know you're sleeping.



...i'm sorry.

Dear Amanda,

My ex-boss and his wife are trying to get me to work with them this summer at the silver store.
And so this man, Tony George..who i despise and made my life hell for the last summer, slightly reminiscent of a certain John Hall, has joined facebook just to taunt me and convince me to work with him.

i don't know what to do. every time i see his name i get aggravated.
but, he's offering me a job. a life-sucking, horrible job. but a job.

AGHH.

Dear Amanda,

I am in LOVE with Idina Menzel [Rachel's mom on Glee]
seriously. she is my idol.

so yesterday i watched two season finales of the same show [gossip girl] within a couple hours of each other. talk about confusing.
needless to say, i have "xoxo, Gossip Girl" stuck in my head.

Maybe it's time i stop spending so much time watching tv.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

it is weird that i just saw you the other day. i feel like it was a dream.

So, i had an idea for my room the other day when you were talking about your grandma who collects buttons and covers them from ceiling to floor. Well, what if i used buttons[like sewing buttons] and did the same thing with one wall..and then painted the other walls in correlation? that would be so cute and soo happy! it'll take a lot of work, but i think it will be worth it.

i am super excited because for the first time in a while i am going out with a group of friends.. tomorrow night. it should be a lot of fun: bowling and just hanging out. and earlier in the morning i am going to some women in ministry luncheon with the new guy in charge of the district in the assemblies of God. I am hoping to find a job there... or anywhere else for that matter.

Actually, my old boss messaged me on facebook yesterday and told me that i had my job back if i wanted it...and i literally hated my life when i worked there...so i told her i would think about it. [the life-sucking jewelry store, remember?]

So, you are going to laugh at this. i think that i have some sort of like sexual frustration built up because i haven't even been like vaguely interested in any boys that knew i exist for a while... and so i feel this need to like someone and yet there is no one in my life to like. i have looked. maybe that's a good thing. i don't know.

Anywho. oh! yesterday, i fixed the dress angie gave me, and now it fits and its cute! i'm so excited to wear it. my mom was like, wow, this must be important to you that you're spending this much time fixing something. and it was. and then, haha afterwards, i tried to make this skirt with layers and a pocket, and it was an epic failure. like the worst. like, i wouldn't even wear it. hhaha. good times.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

It is 2 AM.

i have to leave my house at 5 AM

that is all.

Dear Amanda,

i thought i should let you know that i own these. and i'm wearing them today.
thought you might get a kick out of that.
#51.

Dear Amanda,

I think that i really want to take dance classes this summer... i miss dancing sooo much. it's like an integral part of who i am.
but, once again, that requires money, which requires me finding a job. it is AMAZING to me how just about everything in America revolves around having money. So i watched the movie "Fame" this morning, and i'm pretty much realizing just how much i love singing/dancing/musical schools and life. Really. [if you hadn't guessed by my obsession with Glee] omg, ps, i watched this other show the other night called Marriage Ref... its a Jerry seinfeld show, and it is seriously hilarious. like married people send in a tape of a fight they have, and then a panel of celebrities discuss their problems and make jokes and then decide who is right in the argument. you should watch it. really. So every day feels like a saturday to me these days. i spent the night at my friend Christina's house last night and we literally have just chilled. we made breakfast and watched movies. and i think we are going to go bike riding. [gotta fit that exercise in there somewhere, right? lol] so i have this horrible.. what are they called, i think it's a cold sore? blegh. it hurts sooo bad. i feel like it's eating my face.
So last night [did i mention that this summer i am learning how to cook?!] i learned how to make hamburgers. i actually like put the meat together and mixed in mustard and salt and pepper and oil and put my thumb print on them and then cooked them on this grill thing. i was sooo proud of myself. And at my friend Kelly's house i have this whole pitcher of non alcoholic burban slush... so basically just slush. hahah and i've been drinking it nonstop because, seriously, it is sooo good! its like lemonade and orange juice and other stuff and then you pour sprite into it. i think next time she's going to let me make it and i'm going to put it into the freezer so it's an actual slush instead of just drink. and maybe i'll find myself a little umbrella..and put sugar around the rim :)

i can't wait to see you saturday! YAY!
love you!

Dear Amanda,

i've made a new goal in my life to get tan.
because i've realized that goal is completely attainable.
in fact, i'm already quite on my way to accomplishing it. ahaha.
i've been to the beach like 4 times in the last week.
omg, did i tell you that i feel like i'm in training to be a nanny or something? i've dropped off and picked up both my brother and sister to school every week day since i've been here. hahaha. ridiculous.
then, today i realized i should probably do something about my coolant light being on again, so i opened up the hood of my car, tried to open the radiator funnel thing and green stuff came gurgliing out at me, and after putting more 50/50 in, the light was still on? lol, i'm sooo good at mechanics. why don't i get a job doing that this summer? at least i happened to have a funnel in my car :)

that was the adventure of the day so far... who knows what can happen next?
maybe i'll find a giraffe in my bedroom or somethin. hahaha

love you!

Dear Amanda,

So i haven't had my computer for the last couple days..it's broken, imagine that.
You're the only person i feel comfortable actually saying this to without being extremely nervous that they will get incredibly annoyed or that they will get sick of me...

but i really think that i'm seriously depressed. what with the feeling like i have no friends and nothing to do ..and my whole family falling apart.

needless to say, all i feel like doing is sleeping.
and not even that sounds like what i want to do.
and i can't help but feel like i'm going to feel this way forever...because it's been a week and i don't feel any better yet.

i want to get better...i'm not trying to sulk or even wallow in self pity.
it's like i'm just hurting inside. and i cant concentrate on anything else.

i think i'll feel better...i just don't yet, and i'm sick of feigning excitement, even though i know that my mom and people around me understand, i just feel like i'm a dissapointment every day i'm not myself yet. even though they tell me otherwise.

i don't know what to do.

i love you.
i can't wait to see you.

Dear Amanda,

I have resolved that it is time for ME to listen to GOD.
Not listen to other people talk to me ABOUT God.
Not listen to people tell me what God is saying to me.
Not listen to God speak through other people...

but DIRECTLY to me.

Because i know, that he is willing.
And i know, that he is speaking.
And i know, that i haven't really been listening.

I want to hear the unsolicited voice of God.
To incline my ear to that small and gentle whisper.
Because He IS in control.
Because He has plans set before me that i will never understand.
Because I'm learning that He isn't out to torture me.

Because I'm worth it.
Becuase He loves me.

To realize that i have misunderstood,
thinking that He was simply someone to go to for guidance
and not...

a best friend, an abba father, my daddy.



He will speak, i will listen, and

I WILL do what He says.

Dear Amanda,

So i had a very full day yesterday.
First of all, I finished cleaning my room [but, there is a secret stash of clean laundry sitting in the dryer that i'm trying to avoid having to squeeze into my closet.] and the worst part about that is, that i just got rid of 2 trashbags of clothes. and i found a jacket that is super cute that i think would fit you. We'll find out. You might think it's really ugly. haha.
So i went roller blading like i said and i totally got sunburnt. Then i ended up helping with choreography for the play that's on the same weekend as Angie and Manny's wedding, then i just hung out with drama people for a little bit.. then i went to my youth group.

And seriously, ok, when i came into the youth group i remembered why i love it here, because i love the kids in my youth group. i really do. i love them. And if anything is worth living for down here, it's them.
So i spent the night at my friend Erica and Emily's house last night and then i met my friend whitney for breakfast. and it's cool because Whitney has been one person who has actually asked me if i missed people and things in Napa and it actually was a breath of fresh air like, someone recognized that i have feelings.

so now i am applying for jobs online, looking for a good cheap flight and watching The Devil wears Prada on my new little super old 13inch tv i have in my room :)

oh yea,
if i get the flight, i'm going to be here Saturday morning and i will leave monday night.
but i think i'm going to keep it a secret if i do get the tickets so don't say anything to anyone. especially angie.

i love you.
i miss you a lot.

Dear Amanda,

I'm taking your advice.
I don't think i realized how calming it is to not have to do anything really, and to have an empty house to do it in. My worship music is blaring, and I am in the middle of cleaning my room. I really think that i will end up cleaning out some of my closet today too. And then I'll mail stuff up to Courtney Wyatt and Jaclyn because they called dibs? haha.

...

So currently I am at that stage of cleaning up where you're almost done, but the last things you have to pick up just seem like boulders and a huge pain to put away. I hate this part. I'm losing juice. ahahaha...didn't get my glass of apple juice last night...maybe that's why. haha

love you!

Dear Amanda,

So today has been extremely weird.
Because it's true, I'm in southern California, and i'm doing all the things that i've ever done in southern california, but i kinda feel like i'm just wandering around and not doing anything useful. Like, i just feel very mopey. The people who i was so looking forward to hang out with, i wasn't excited about.
i don't know. it was kinda pathetic.

So today i had a taste of a burban slushy and i watched knocked up.
two totally anti everything fuel things. and it was just, ehh. you know? I totally just feel like i have no personality, and no aim or purpose.

So Manuel asked me for the message that Brent sent to me in response to what i had asked him... and i had never said anything to Manny about that message...i wonder if Jaclyn or Angie did. so i sent it to him.

i'm excited that you're getting a dress made for you.
did you ever figure out whether you can send the other one back or not?

i think i have to clean out my closet...soon. because all my stuff can't be unpacked because there's not enough room.

Napa feels like a dream. I've been thinking about it all day long. i guess i'm just feeling really lonely.
what's really strange to me is that i haven't really broken down about it yet... like i've only cried a couple tears this whole time. but i just feel really wrecked up inside

i'm sorry about how depressing this post is.
i promise it will get better soon.

i just don't know what to do about it.

i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So this morning I had all these grandiose plans of waking up early..which was kinda ridiculous when I didn't go to bed til 2:40am. So I ended up waking up at like 10:40 which I'm pretty sure is the latest I've slept in in the last 8 months. haha.
So I have this like dancing with the stars cardio workout video and i decided that i was going to do it this morning, and it DESTROYED me. seriously, i was exhausted afterwards. then, i'm all, glad that's over, and i take a shower and i slipped and fell: like a horrible fall, and just started laughing, because yea, it hurt, but it was soooo ridiculous. hahaha. then i did my devos, and my plans for today? honestly, i just want my room to look normal and get most of my stuff unpacked.

that's all i want. normality.
however, it will not happen.
getting used to this is what i think they call "moving on"
i don't know about this.

well,
being 7 1/2 hours away doesn't stop me from loving you at all.
i discovered that when i thought about how going to your house wasn't part of my plans for the day :(.

xoxo.

Dear Amanda,

It is 2 am, and I am home. I actually got home at about 1 am, but since then I have been up trying to put some stuff away and check the endless comments on the excessive amount of Facebook status updates I made via cell phone whilst on the road.

hahahhaha so not only did we
1. almost overheat so we had to pull off the side of the road and cool the engine down for a good amount of time...

but i also..

2. had to go about 90 miles per hour on the grapevine to keep the momentum going to be able to get up those hills and stuff [and, oh yea, my windows were rolled down and the heater was on full blast] complaining sister+bad sound system+bad food in my system= definitely a road trip. haha

and then...

3. i almost get pulled over by a cop a mile from my house because i'm going 50 in a 45 zone. and my mom freaks out. even though i didn't actually get pulled over. haha.

and now, i think i'm really tired, but i'm just staying up for no reason. i'm not 100% sure why i'm doing that.

and my plans for tomorrow?:

7:00am; wake up and do a workout video or something
8:00am: devotions. see how loud i can play my music with no one complaining.
all day long...unpack.
3:00: pick up my brother and sister and visit people at the hs i went to.
night-time: go to my friend's house and watch a movie and have dinner.

that's an estimation.
wow, i miss you already.

love you!
xoxo

I LOVE getting ready for fancy things. It's my favorite. However..... I have No idea what I'm going to do with my hair. Shhh!

Dear Amanda,

Here is my todo list for the day:

1. find a place to take my car

2. Finish Packing

3. Clean My room

4. take a shower

5. set my curls

6. get ready for tonight

7. tell Manny that my parents are staying at my host home

8. finish the end gifts

9. paint my nails

10. send my mother a chill pill.

Believe it or not, i just talked to my brother on the phone, and he was the most refreshing person in the family to talk to. he's so calm and doesn't care about anything.
i love him.

i tossed and turned a lot last night...i'm not 100% sure why. Sometimes i just have nights like that, you know?

i have one box that's full that's really bugging me in the middle of the room because it's full of shoes and then one or two hanging things and it doesn't close...

ps... who made that tres leches that was in your fridge that one day? omg..it was soooooo good. seriously.

i think that when i go home i'm going to try and workout.. but find things that i enjoy doing that are workouts.


that advice that you gave me last night was really good. it challenged me. it definitely has me thinking.

sorry about how sporadic my thoughts are right now.. seriously: so random.

after the last few nights....i really feel like a Salaiz.

Dorri Lachelle Salaiz. i think it works. a lot more than Dorri Hall does.

i love you.