Dear Amanda,

So today i hung out with one of my really close friends. i've been best friends with her since idk, my sophomore year of hs?? her name is Bailee.


she leaves for Africa next thursday and i am super jealous. I'm so excited for her. but it is just crazy for me how i've had this dream for africa for years and it seems like all of my friends have gotten to go besides me. So i told her to get me a token of Africa to bring home to me :)
God has been providing for things in amazing ways...my external hardrive for my computer which has all of my files and pictures and music just crashed and i have to buy a new one, but i couldn't afford to put gas in my car and buy all the birthday stuff for my mom that my dad can't afford.. and buy a new external hardrive..and one of my friends texted me this morning adn weas just like, i really feel like God wants me to buy you an external hardrive! how crazy is that? God is so good.

random sidenote...i've been tithing, like really tithing for the first time in my life, and it's so hard.. but i've really seen God come through! it's really amazing.

And, i just stole a ton of music from my friend.. so i got like 50 glee songs!!!!!!
i'm soooo excited. and some comedic stuff..like eddie izzard, who may or may not be a brittish transvestite comedian. i have no idea wether he is funny or not. we'll see. i'll let you know what i think.
well, i have to wake up early in the morning because i'm taking my mom out to the corner bakery for breakfast! llove it~!

ps..i think my staph is coming back..i have like 2 1/2 sores on my face...
i'm kinda worried about it.

i love you!!!
xoxox

Dear Amanda,

OOOOMMMMGGGGGG
this is like the 8th time this has happened!!!!!!
i write this whole dang thing out..
then the internet freaking erases it!!!!!
this is why i am saving up for a new computer!!!
sooo frustrating!
you deserve to know what's happening in my life!!!!
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


so in short:

-jesus time=good
-parole officer wise = messed up once, it hurt. it won't happen again.
-the dog broke her leg=she was pathetic. we called her tripod.
-red robin=LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!!! LOVE IT!!! did i say, love it!?!?!
-redecorating room=can you believe it is still not done????
-youth group=they're making me a leader. i love it! it's fantastic.
-music lessons=first one this thursday. yay!i'll tell you how it goes
-saving $=all payment from redrobin-tithe goes to my new computer savings account.
-reading=Sophie Kinsella. she is my favorite author. a mastermind. fantastic.
-showering?=not since last time i posted like a week ago. really need to do that.
-new snake necklace=my new staple..i'll post you a picture.
-new favorite line from a song= [from glitter in the air by pink]
"There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar"

i miss you so much!!!!
and i love you with all my heart.
i promise to be more faithful with this. really.
funny...any time i realize i haven't posted in a while i also realize that i haven't been journaling.
it's as if it goes hand in hand. what in the world?

lol.
peace.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I have been really busy with work recently.
today was my mom's birthday, and i was so happy to be able to take her out to breakfast thurs morning and then buy her fun stuff. :)
it has been a heck of a long time since i have posted on this thing. i don't know why.
on friday...i'm working an 11 hour day. i might die. i think it is going to be fun though.
literally nothing exciting really has been happening to report..
i have been helping out my friend redecorate her house, adn at the same time have been continuing the redecoration process of my room. life has, to say the least, kept me entertained.
today i got asked "when the F*** i was running away with me[creepy guy who works across the street from me]"
and i'm pretty sure, i said never. because he was so weird! and i have no intention of running away?? strange.
my computer has not been being nice to me..it keeps dying and being super slow..it is ridiculous.

what have you been up to? normal life?
i miss you!
i miss just chatting with you.
eclipse comes out at midnight tonight. hhehehhehee.
YAY!

xoxo
love you.

Dear Amanda,

Today, i am very happy to report that i finally finished my room!!!! well, finished painting that is.
so yesterday the coolest thing happened. i was at my friend's graduation and i was chatting with her older brother later at night and we were just talking about worship and stuff like that. and i guess he's super talented musician and went to school of worship in australia and all this stuff.. and he just said, i don't normally do this... but i'm really interested in developing worship leaders, and i would be willing to give you free piano/guitar/basic voice lessons. how crazy is that? i'm super excited about it. i didn't realize that happened til today.
So i went to go to ikea today to look at lamps because i'm always frustrated that i have to get out of bed, turn off the light and then get back into bed, but i got to ikea at 8:37...just to find out that they close at 8:30. haha it was so sad.

I've been listening to a lot of Britt Nichole's stuff recently and it's really good.. there's this song called "walking on water" and there's another one i'm not sure what it's called..it's really good though.

i g2g...study for my Red Robin test.
If i pass tomorrow, i get smiling burger certified!!
[which basically means i can be scheduled for shifts]

love you!

Dear Amanda,

I know you are probably frustrated with me,
not exactly happy with my decisions
or even proud of me at all,
and i know it may be hard to believe this,
and we will probably have to agree to disagree,
but i believe that i made the right decision.
it was the most difficult decision i've ever had to make,
because despite the reassurance that i would be loved even if i decided the opposite of what people may have preferred, i'm still not sure my name will ever be without blemish in yours or many in global passions eyes.
but know, i don't think that gpm is bad. and i don't think that fuel is bad.
and, i AM doing something with my life. I'm so confident in God's plan.
take this in whatever way you want, i truly am well meaning with my words.
i love you.

Dear Amanda,

This is true, no one else has a blog dedicated to them. that must make you feel pretty darn special. :)

and...i am very happy that your love is not conditional. believe it or not, i was extremely worried about it. i think it is because i value your friendship so much that it was the one thing i was not willing to lose.

OMG i don't think i told you this. So, the other day when i was working int he silver store this black girl and this older american man came in and they were speaking spanish, and he was calling her babe and all this stuff and it was so weird, because i felt like i instantaneously knew that she was from the dominican republic.. so i asked where they were from.. and surprise, surprise, i was right... and he i guess had met her online, and i totally got the chills, becuase i had just been thinking about the DR the other day. and seriously, i cannot wait to go there. i can't wait to go to Costa Rica and take language school. i can't wait to train with Ladawn.

those are my random thoughts.
i should get ready for work.
[i am wearing the EXACT same outfit that i have been wearing for the last few days.]

love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I wrote one blog post. then i changed my mind and decided to write another one because that one seemed just a little superficial/surfacey.

Life has been really strange these days. it is so weird for me being in this whole new job and world when i'm at Red Robin.. but i REALLY like it. like, when i'm working at the silver store, it is SO different. like the managers at red robin really care about what's happening besides just money.. and everyone seems to really care about each other. it's just a really good environment. and the last couple times that i've worked there, i'm thoroughly enjoyed just being on my feet and running around grabbing menus and cleaning the bathroom every 15 minutes and opening the door for guests and giving little kids balloons. i know it sounds like a really strange thing to be soo happy about, but i really honestly am. and it's somewhere where nobody knows me, so it's really interesting seeing what people see in me... or expect from me. i realize that i really like going beyond people's expectations of me. The girl that i have been training with is named Cristina, and she seems cool. she's really nice, but she's definitely shy, she graduates hs really soon, and it has been cool going through the experience with someone else. I've forgotten how much work it takes to make your way into people's hearts. i've been trying to figure out who i need to make friends with first at red robin.. right now i'm just being nice to everyone. :)
that is red robin in a nutshell.

Let's see..home has been pretty chill recently, i think it's because no one has brought up anything regarding all the scary money stuff that is going on. My dad still doesn't have a job, but i think he just got his last check, so people aren't stressing around here yet. And everythings settled down a bit because it is everyone's celebrations this month, and the lakers just won the championship [my house is FULL of lakers fans] so since it was my brother's birthday and then it's father's day and then it's my mom's birthday, and my little sister just graduated from elementary school, everyone's pretty much in a jovial mood, especially since i've been able to take care of a few of the meals out and the presents with my job[s] thank you jesus.

I really want to finish my room so i can move back into it. i think that will be a nice relief. i feel like such a mess with all my stuff everywhere. i like being organized, but i can't do that very well when i don't have anywhere to be organized in. that's how i'm feeling about my house.

random subject change, as my parole officer you would be proud to know that it has been 2 weeks. i am very proud of myself. God has helped a lot. it is crazy how when you are trying to hear God's voice it is so much easier to stop yourself from doing things that will put up blocks between you.

As for the Philippines, i am supposed to call Angie by Saturday to tell her what i decide. Quite the deadline. I am still unsure about the whole thing. honestly, i think i'm just going to have to make a decision and trust that i did the right thing. i wish that i could give you some sort of concrete decision, but i really don't know yet. i don't think i'll know until i get on the phone and tell her. Right now, i'm not going to lie, i'm really scared that if i decide to not go i'm going to lose your friendship..or you're going to be super disappointed in me or you're going to look at me differently, and that's why i want to just say "ok, i'll go" but, i know that is not a good reason...just to avoid disappointing someone. idk.

and, that may or may not be the reason why i have been slacking on the blog.

we need to get back to texting more. i promise, i have just been nervous that you're going to hate me.

i love you a lot.
and i miss you even more. [i don't know how that's possible, but i do]

xoxoxo
Dorri.

Dear Amanda,

I've got a lot on my plate.
it was my second day at Red Robin today and i loved it, but i'm really nervous of screwing things up massively. i don't know how i would do that.haha
i also, really think that i will NEVER end up finishing my room. this is what i'm working on right now: i'm in the middle of stenciling the wall. i just have to touch up a few edges, repaint the ceiling, and i am done with the painting part!!!!! that will seriously be fantastic. The stencil that i have looks FANTASTIC. i am in love with it.
So i miss you a lot. Sorry i haven't posted recently, i've had a lot on my brain..funny, when i really have a lot on my brain i tend not to write anything down at all.. so if you look at my journal for the last few days...i haven't written anything. i find that to be an interesting quirk in my personality. Oh! everything is working out so well..tomorrow i work at red robin in the morning so i will be off in time to go to graduation and a leaders dinner at solid rock [the youth group] and then go to another graduation party. :) it's going to be a blast of a day. quite busy.
I ended up saying "no" to Romania, because as amazing as it sounded, it really didn't work out with the fact that i just got this new job.. and i'm trying to save up for next year's endeavors.
my brother's birthday was the other day..and i spent a heck of a lot of money on him.. because i knew my parents couldn't afford it... and i know that he loved it. we went to the movies, and i took him to the place he really wanted to eat for lunch. and i bought him these stupid kanye west glasses he really wanted. haha.

So my dad won this thing where we can take our whole family and play catch in angel's stadium in the field and take pictures in the dugout and stuff for father's day. it should be really cool. i'm actually really excited about it. go....Father's Day! i bought my dad a giftcard to the 99 cent store. he is going to love it. honestly, that place like makes him drool.

i love you so much.
i miss you a lot.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

so i wanted to do stripes..so we figured the smartest way to do that was with painters tape...

it took a really long time.
at this point, we had used up an entire roll of tape.

so we had to go to Home Depot.

this is angelique.
she looks a lot like me. hahah she dyed her hair dark just the other day. :)

proving we actually bought things at home depot.

we completed the taping of the wall.

so then we painted the black stripes.

then we painted the three green stripes.

Dear Amanda,

Alright, let's try this one again.
So, tomorrow i start training at Red Robin! 4:00!
Tomorrow also happens to be my brother's birthday..and he wants me to take him to Sea World on Friday, but i think that i'm going to have to work that day too. how much does that suck. because, i actually really want to go to seaworld with him.

i got the coolest looking debit card for my wells fargo account..it's platinum.
i'm not sure if that means anything..but i feel really cool. haha

pictures... of the room process...thusfar.

BEFORE:



Then..i primed.

and primed some more [for like eight layers]

and primed all the other walls...


this is the color paint that i'm painting my main wall: candy apple green :)

first coat:


more to come soon.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

Good Morning.
I am literally avoiding painting right now...because it is my least favorite thing in the world.
hahahha
i do have to go drive to irvine and walk a dog. but i'll do that in a little bit.
and oh yes, my little sister is graduating from elementary school today!!!
i am so proud of her.
right now i am studying up on all my health and safety stuff for red robin. which, i'm not going to lie, is pretty boring to go through, but i just know that it's super important. so i am doing my best. :)

i feel like i haven't talked to you in about 20 years. i'll have to text you soon. haha
ilove you.
have a great day today.

xoxo

Dear Amanda,

i need the privacy of my room back. desperately. i can't handle being around my depressed family, stressed out/lashing out mother and all claws out attitudes.
seriously. i didn't realize how much it means to me to just have the place to get away.
i'm so frustrated with all the crap my family is going through. but at the same time i feel like i have to be strong because i don't have a reason to be affected by the situation. i don't know.

recently, i've just been scared.
honestly, just scared. there's so much going on. i don't even know how to respond to it anymore. i like literally have to repeat to myself that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.

i know, i know that God is going to work through all of this. and i know, i know that everything is going to turn out okay. but even as i hear those words coming out of my mouth, i find them so difficult to believe.

why is it so hard to trust God, the one who constantly and so consistently has provided miraculously for my needs?
Maybe it's because i see all these people in my life who i have never seen take a second glance at problems as they go by all of a sudden totally stumped by them.

How am i supposed to respond? Am i allowed to cry? I haven't even felt like punching anything. maybe that's because this is more of a hopelessness vs. an angry ordeal.

I've been trying to just focus on the task of getting ready for Red Robin and finishing painting my room and i'm just so distracted by everything that is happening in the house that i feel like i'm never going to finish.

not only all the things going on in my house, but i know this is going to sound stupid, but i've heard a lot of messages recently about muslims taking over the world, and the end times, and the mid trib rapture and america becoming a third world country, and the economy, and all of that literally scares me so badly. i have no idea why, but it consumes my thoughts..i have to pray it out of my mind every time i'm reminded of it. It's so much more real than it ever has been before. and i know, fear is the opposite of faith, but i right now i'm just not so confident that everything is going to turn out ok, and i really want to be confident in that.

these words....

Bankruptcy. Forclosure. Eviction. No Health Care. No Job. Debt Collectors. Depression. Entitlement. Suicidal. Hopeless.

i can't even type them without crying.
i just need a hug.
i just need to know that everything's going to be ok.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

I start tomorrow morning at 8 at Red Robin. Seriously, I am SOOOO excited.

and yes, i still plan on working at the silver store.. i just have to figure out what my work schedule for red robin is going to be. :)

devo's have been good. [i'll expand upon that later]

and i am praying about talking to the pastor who cody was/is going to work with.. i think it might be the right thing and the best thing to do.... idk.

i'm so tired. and i'm so full. i ate so much tonight. really.

i need to write a better blog post.
i will. it's coming tomorrow. look for it. but right now?
bedtime in my living room..since i have been told i am not allowed to sleep in my room yet. hahha.

i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

Due to the Espestus of the cottage cheese on my ceiling, my father and i could both potentially get lung cancer -my mother
so, last night i got the opportunity to sleep in the living room.

and i tossed, and i turned, and i tossed, and i turned. but i better get used to it because i'm going to be sleeping out there while i paint my room as well.
i have to go to home depot to see how much primer costs today.

it should be at least a couple day experience..
1st day: primer.
2nd day: white coat
3rd day: stripes on one wall
4th day: candy apple green wall
5th day: well it depends on when the pattern comes in. but stencil the other wall
6th day: print out black and white pictures and put them up
7th day: find out if my friend still doesn't want his loft bed.. and go from there.

fun stuff.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

Today has been the Best day ever!

i potentially got a new loft bed.
i got a job.
i got the cottage cheese off my ceiling.
i decided on a design for my room.


i love it. i can't help but think that it's because this morning when i woke up i asked God to bless my day.
God is so good.

love you.

Dear Amanda,

I did end up getting a beach towel, but i ended up having a gift card for it..so it was perfect! and it's super cute.

and the beach was fun...we didn't get there in time for prime tanning hours though, so i remain my white self. sad day.
I had fun hanging out with Angelique. we ended up going to goodwill [my favorite store...EVER] and she got some really cute stuff. I refrained from buying beautiful purple go-go boots and a zebra jacket. hahaha

and then i watched this spy movie with my dad with eddie murphy and owen wilson in it.

and me and my dad start trying to take the espestus off the ceiling of my room tomorrow. yay.

i'm tired.
i love you.

Dear Amanda,

Today i lost my favorite necklace at the beach.

Then i went back to look for it and it was gone.

So now i am in mourning.

Dear Amanda,

ok, i think i overreacted. i think i'm just hanging out with this boy. phew. hahaha
but today i'm going to the beach with my friend angelique, who i love, and i am so excited to hang out with. Can you believe there are people that i still haven't hung out with since i've been here? crazy.

So that is in the plans for today, and so is going to a chinese buffet for lunch with my family ?? eeeeh... yeea, my stomach might be complaining later. haha i'm okay with that though. i guess. i kinda have to be.

hope your day goes well.
love you.

Dear Amanda,

I am still stuck on the idea that you need to start a mom blog. Honestly, you could have the coolest blog ever. But, i am okay with beginning with a journal :)

Seriously, it is something that i believe in. Someday in the future i will be so happy with my young self because i documented so much. really. you may make jokes now, but when i am 80 and they use my journals to make a book about my life and i make millions of dollars and they erect a statue in my honor..i will be the one laughing. haha

sooo...i'm not quite sure whether i just agreed to go on a date with this guy i know tha i'm not necessarily attracted to, but is really nice???? hahhahahahhahah. oops.
we'll see how that goes.


we just watched the Blindside with my family and it really amazes me how Sandra Bullock reminds me exactly of Rene Hall and jawella. simply extraordinary.

So guess what?!
I'm going to open my first savings account tomorrow!
I'm very excited about the whole thing.

you want to hear the most ridiculous thing EVER!?!?
my little sister is the biggest pain when it comes to freaking buying shoes for her graduation. we were in payless for 2 HOURS!! and, there was definitely a point where she just sat down and started crying because none of the heels or flats were as "comfortable" as her sneakers.

sooo ridiculous.

ummm, ok, i really feel like i am getting myself roped into a date right now...
AHHHHHHHH... umm.. he's a really nice guy.. maybe i'm assuming its something it isn't.
uhhh...


i g2g. i'll let you know what's going on. when i figure it out.

love you!!

Dear Amanda,

that was a tough conversation.

sorry if i was rude at all. i didn't mean it, i promise.

i'm just trying to figure stuff out.

love you.

Dear Amanda,

Today, I worked a day in the silver store and used the money i earned to buy groceries for my family. I have never had so much fun buying groceries in my life.

it was one of those opportunities i couldn't pass up: we needed food. i had money.
it was fantastic. it felt sooo good.

let me just tell you how my night went. seriously, i was so shocked at the way the day turned.

I met up with one of my friends, Joana, and we went on a walk around Newport.
we talked for hours, about everything, from God to sex to life to everything.

it was honestly just a really good catch up and just talk.
so then we went and we were sitting in the car after our walk and she was just like..i really want to pray to end our night..[which i thought was kinda weird, but whenever i'm like ehh, i don't want to do that God always is crazy and does something amazing] so, i prayed after she did, and literally it was like i finally found break through.. and i was just praying for my family and i just started crying and kinda just admitting that i am having a hard time trusting Him and all this stuff.. and then we just sat and listened to worship music and it was like God's presence was just in that car. which is sooo random, but seriously, SO cool. like, i can't stop smiling. like..i feel like it's the start of getting my joy back. Reallly. Truly.

So i've decided that it would make a whole heck of a difference in my devotion time if instead of just sitting in bed reading and journaling if i got up and went to the park and made the effort to wake up and do it. so that's the plan. there's a park right next to my house with a lake, and i think it will be cool to go there and just do my devos.

OMG something HUGE that i realized today when i was talking to Joana..is that i have always wanted to work with girls...like girls who are struggling with eating disorders and suicide and depression and cutting, all things that i've been through. But then at the same time i was like, i really want to help girls who have been stuck in Human traffiking but how do i relate to them.. where at the exact same time, God's been putting on my heart just being accountabilitly and helping girls through sex addictions.. and i totally just realized that like, that is a HUGe part of coming out of sex trafficing, that there are going to be girls that are addicted to it even though it wasn't something that they had chosen to do..and that's what i want to do.
WOW. i don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it all of a sudden started to click in my head tonight. God is sooo cool! seriously. i would NEVER have thought of that.


i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

This may sound increasingly repetitive that i always say this..
but i love you. a lot. like i just got this wave of omg, i miss amanda so freaking much.
really. i don't know if i say it enough. i really miss you. substantially.
i miss coming over and just hanging out. i miss playing with your girls. i miss punching Arnie's punching bag and getting nasty cuts because i don't punch right. i miss jesus nights. i miss cream filled maple bars. i miss[?] crying baby. i miss putting Olivia to bed every night i was there, and learning about how to take care of children. I miss just being able to hug you. i miss being able to vent to you face to face. i miss complaining about the other interns to you.
i miss my Amanda. my family. ♥

ok, i needed to get that out of my system.

this i must say: can you believe that next week is the season finale of GLEE!?!
remember back in the day, when i didn't watch it and you got me into it? and i watched the entire first season in two days? lol.


so just as Applebees seemed to be the place that i never wanted to, but always ended up eating at while i was in Napa, here it seems to be Chili's. Really, it totally makes my stomach hurt. Badly.

I cleaned my room the other day. I think i'm going to paint it and rearrange it. i haven't decided what colors yet. I'll post options tomorrow. and i have to buy the corkboard and the buttons. which involved money. which involves a job. hahahha oh how the world goes round.

So my day?

sleeping my life away: Boo.
practicing piano: yay.
picking up the little sister [making the mother happy]: yay.
seeing my old ballet teacher from 5 years ago: bizarre.
going to home depot: boo.
picking out potential room decorating colors: yay.
Chili's: [my stomach votes boo]
Glee from last night: umm, duh.
the fact that i haven't showered in a few days: ....it's a matter of opinion...hahaha


Alright. i love you.
I'm going to go do worship before i go to bed.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

In the best interest of not violating my parole again like i have the last two nights, i took my computer and put it in the living room.

And, I have decided that i am going to learn how to play the piano.
So i have been practicing, a song called "irish jig". it just might be the most horrible song in the world, made worse by my intensely awful musical skills. Let's just say, my mother is probably very glad that she is deaf. haha

So anywho. my whole family is sick in some way or another...i'm trying to stay out of the way of all the germs. yuck.

omg! so my best friends came home from scotland the other day and i got to hang out with them last night and it was sooo fun. Their names are Megan and Katelyn...let's see if i have a picture of them...


they're twins.
and now that they're almost 22...they drink beer... like all the time. but not getting drunk, just like drinking it at meals. which makes them smell weird. haha

ummm and one of my guy friends wants me to go to the beach with him this weekend.
we're just friends, and i really don't think anything would happen... but it's probably not smart, huh.

i love you.
xoxo