Dear Amanda,

I have been working, working, working, working, working, because all of my major electronics have crashed in the last two weeks????? ridiculous.

i'm proud to report that i REALLY am a leader at my youth group, and i absolutely love it.

i have been incredibly creative recently...making pillows and blankets, and redecorating frames.. i'm just trying to get my room done in a wallet efficient manner... so i'm making stuff myself :) like who wants to spend 10 bucks on pillow cases when you have fabric and a sewing machine?? haha. good times.


oh and i met maria and sarah at the airport and got to see them for like 5 minutes!!!
the drive was worth it. i'm so proud of them.
and, i can't believe sam and tasha leave in like 3 weeks!!!!
exciting stuff.


i love you so much.
miss you a lot.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I have two words:
Pepto Bismol.


and i have 4 hours at red robin this week. how ridiculous.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

How have i not posted in so long? geez.
so literally, i have been working. sunday was... the fourth of july! umm, i went to a bbq, and then i watched fireworks from the balcony on my friend's house who lives in huntington beach. that was fun.
then monday and tuesday i worked at the silver store all day long.. so nothing really exciting to report, except that one of my really good friends is moving to Oregon, and she came to visit me for the last time on tuesday. that was super depressing. Then, yesterday i worked at red robin, and then met the wyatts in newport! that was fun. and oh yea, i threw in my appplication at starbucks. that would be nice if i got that. really.
and, fun above everything else, i got 2 overdraw fees from chase...one for my stupid phone bill and one for a check for tithe..that WOULD have gone through if the phone bill hadn't come early. soooooo lame.
that's life though, right?
so right now..i'm off to work. and then tomorrow i work at red robin, and tomorrow i get to help out with the LOCK IN..at the youth group. which means, BROOMBALL!!!!! my Favorite thing in the ENTIRE world. literally. i would do it all the time if i could.

miss you and love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

i almost got fired from surfside silver today...
and i realized that i have been doing a pretty crappy job there.
that made me feel good about myself.
i'm supposed to take the weekend and just relax and have some fun, and monday i'm going to prove myself.

Last night my friend was finally able to a adopt a little egyptian baby. how exciting is that?

i love you.
i wish i just had $150 to come and randomly visit for a week.
someday. when you least expect it. hahaha.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I totally had a dream about you last night.
i was in napa, or somewhere, and somehow i had lost my car.. but i wanted to visit you so bad that i started walking, then i decided to hitch hike...but then this car came up and i almost got in, but it looked shady, so i said never mind, and they ran over my foot.. and i asked someone which way the 29 was... and they pointed me in a direction, and i walked for a while and i found my dad's car with the key in it.. and it was right in front of a house that your family was in, but it wasn't your house. it was ssoooo strange.
really. weird.
hahahhaha

anyway, i think my subconscious is saying something.
mmiss ya.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

my phone is officially dead.

i'm going to have a funeral for it.
i have to.
it makes me so sad.
especially when i don't have the bucks to replace it yet.

i want to beckon it back from the grave..and say, "don't you know i'm relying on you!?? you need to last one more week!!!"

but i can't.

so i'm, in simple terms, Toast.

hahahahahha. we'll see what happens.
i'll keep you updated.


i kinda feel like i've been trying too hard at work..like i'm going to be 'that girl who tries too hard'which, i do NOT want to be.
oh well, whatever.

it is the perfect beach day today. i think i might go, right after i dye my hair, because believe it or not, it's growing out. haha. who knew hair does that??

i love you.
ttyl
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So today i hung out with one of my really close friends. i've been best friends with her since idk, my sophomore year of hs?? her name is Bailee.


she leaves for Africa next thursday and i am super jealous. I'm so excited for her. but it is just crazy for me how i've had this dream for africa for years and it seems like all of my friends have gotten to go besides me. So i told her to get me a token of Africa to bring home to me :)
God has been providing for things in amazing ways...my external hardrive for my computer which has all of my files and pictures and music just crashed and i have to buy a new one, but i couldn't afford to put gas in my car and buy all the birthday stuff for my mom that my dad can't afford.. and buy a new external hardrive..and one of my friends texted me this morning adn weas just like, i really feel like God wants me to buy you an external hardrive! how crazy is that? God is so good.

random sidenote...i've been tithing, like really tithing for the first time in my life, and it's so hard.. but i've really seen God come through! it's really amazing.

And, i just stole a ton of music from my friend.. so i got like 50 glee songs!!!!!!
i'm soooo excited. and some comedic stuff..like eddie izzard, who may or may not be a brittish transvestite comedian. i have no idea wether he is funny or not. we'll see. i'll let you know what i think.
well, i have to wake up early in the morning because i'm taking my mom out to the corner bakery for breakfast! llove it~!

ps..i think my staph is coming back..i have like 2 1/2 sores on my face...
i'm kinda worried about it.

i love you!!!
xoxox

Dear Amanda,

OOOOMMMMGGGGGG
this is like the 8th time this has happened!!!!!!
i write this whole dang thing out..
then the internet freaking erases it!!!!!
this is why i am saving up for a new computer!!!
sooo frustrating!
you deserve to know what's happening in my life!!!!
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


so in short:

-jesus time=good
-parole officer wise = messed up once, it hurt. it won't happen again.
-the dog broke her leg=she was pathetic. we called her tripod.
-red robin=LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!!! LOVE IT!!! did i say, love it!?!?!
-redecorating room=can you believe it is still not done????
-youth group=they're making me a leader. i love it! it's fantastic.
-music lessons=first one this thursday. yay!i'll tell you how it goes
-saving $=all payment from redrobin-tithe goes to my new computer savings account.
-reading=Sophie Kinsella. she is my favorite author. a mastermind. fantastic.
-showering?=not since last time i posted like a week ago. really need to do that.
-new snake necklace=my new staple..i'll post you a picture.
-new favorite line from a song= [from glitter in the air by pink]
"There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar"

i miss you so much!!!!
and i love you with all my heart.
i promise to be more faithful with this. really.
funny...any time i realize i haven't posted in a while i also realize that i haven't been journaling.
it's as if it goes hand in hand. what in the world?

lol.
peace.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I have been really busy with work recently.
today was my mom's birthday, and i was so happy to be able to take her out to breakfast thurs morning and then buy her fun stuff. :)
it has been a heck of a long time since i have posted on this thing. i don't know why.
on friday...i'm working an 11 hour day. i might die. i think it is going to be fun though.
literally nothing exciting really has been happening to report..
i have been helping out my friend redecorate her house, adn at the same time have been continuing the redecoration process of my room. life has, to say the least, kept me entertained.
today i got asked "when the F*** i was running away with me[creepy guy who works across the street from me]"
and i'm pretty sure, i said never. because he was so weird! and i have no intention of running away?? strange.
my computer has not been being nice to me..it keeps dying and being super slow..it is ridiculous.

what have you been up to? normal life?
i miss you!
i miss just chatting with you.
eclipse comes out at midnight tonight. hhehehhehee.
YAY!

xoxo
love you.

Dear Amanda,

Today, i am very happy to report that i finally finished my room!!!! well, finished painting that is.
so yesterday the coolest thing happened. i was at my friend's graduation and i was chatting with her older brother later at night and we were just talking about worship and stuff like that. and i guess he's super talented musician and went to school of worship in australia and all this stuff.. and he just said, i don't normally do this... but i'm really interested in developing worship leaders, and i would be willing to give you free piano/guitar/basic voice lessons. how crazy is that? i'm super excited about it. i didn't realize that happened til today.
So i went to go to ikea today to look at lamps because i'm always frustrated that i have to get out of bed, turn off the light and then get back into bed, but i got to ikea at 8:37...just to find out that they close at 8:30. haha it was so sad.

I've been listening to a lot of Britt Nichole's stuff recently and it's really good.. there's this song called "walking on water" and there's another one i'm not sure what it's called..it's really good though.

i g2g...study for my Red Robin test.
If i pass tomorrow, i get smiling burger certified!!
[which basically means i can be scheduled for shifts]

love you!

Dear Amanda,

I know you are probably frustrated with me,
not exactly happy with my decisions
or even proud of me at all,
and i know it may be hard to believe this,
and we will probably have to agree to disagree,
but i believe that i made the right decision.
it was the most difficult decision i've ever had to make,
because despite the reassurance that i would be loved even if i decided the opposite of what people may have preferred, i'm still not sure my name will ever be without blemish in yours or many in global passions eyes.
but know, i don't think that gpm is bad. and i don't think that fuel is bad.
and, i AM doing something with my life. I'm so confident in God's plan.
take this in whatever way you want, i truly am well meaning with my words.
i love you.

Dear Amanda,

This is true, no one else has a blog dedicated to them. that must make you feel pretty darn special. :)

and...i am very happy that your love is not conditional. believe it or not, i was extremely worried about it. i think it is because i value your friendship so much that it was the one thing i was not willing to lose.

OMG i don't think i told you this. So, the other day when i was working int he silver store this black girl and this older american man came in and they were speaking spanish, and he was calling her babe and all this stuff and it was so weird, because i felt like i instantaneously knew that she was from the dominican republic.. so i asked where they were from.. and surprise, surprise, i was right... and he i guess had met her online, and i totally got the chills, becuase i had just been thinking about the DR the other day. and seriously, i cannot wait to go there. i can't wait to go to Costa Rica and take language school. i can't wait to train with Ladawn.

those are my random thoughts.
i should get ready for work.
[i am wearing the EXACT same outfit that i have been wearing for the last few days.]

love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I wrote one blog post. then i changed my mind and decided to write another one because that one seemed just a little superficial/surfacey.

Life has been really strange these days. it is so weird for me being in this whole new job and world when i'm at Red Robin.. but i REALLY like it. like, when i'm working at the silver store, it is SO different. like the managers at red robin really care about what's happening besides just money.. and everyone seems to really care about each other. it's just a really good environment. and the last couple times that i've worked there, i'm thoroughly enjoyed just being on my feet and running around grabbing menus and cleaning the bathroom every 15 minutes and opening the door for guests and giving little kids balloons. i know it sounds like a really strange thing to be soo happy about, but i really honestly am. and it's somewhere where nobody knows me, so it's really interesting seeing what people see in me... or expect from me. i realize that i really like going beyond people's expectations of me. The girl that i have been training with is named Cristina, and she seems cool. she's really nice, but she's definitely shy, she graduates hs really soon, and it has been cool going through the experience with someone else. I've forgotten how much work it takes to make your way into people's hearts. i've been trying to figure out who i need to make friends with first at red robin.. right now i'm just being nice to everyone. :)
that is red robin in a nutshell.

Let's see..home has been pretty chill recently, i think it's because no one has brought up anything regarding all the scary money stuff that is going on. My dad still doesn't have a job, but i think he just got his last check, so people aren't stressing around here yet. And everythings settled down a bit because it is everyone's celebrations this month, and the lakers just won the championship [my house is FULL of lakers fans] so since it was my brother's birthday and then it's father's day and then it's my mom's birthday, and my little sister just graduated from elementary school, everyone's pretty much in a jovial mood, especially since i've been able to take care of a few of the meals out and the presents with my job[s] thank you jesus.

I really want to finish my room so i can move back into it. i think that will be a nice relief. i feel like such a mess with all my stuff everywhere. i like being organized, but i can't do that very well when i don't have anywhere to be organized in. that's how i'm feeling about my house.

random subject change, as my parole officer you would be proud to know that it has been 2 weeks. i am very proud of myself. God has helped a lot. it is crazy how when you are trying to hear God's voice it is so much easier to stop yourself from doing things that will put up blocks between you.

As for the Philippines, i am supposed to call Angie by Saturday to tell her what i decide. Quite the deadline. I am still unsure about the whole thing. honestly, i think i'm just going to have to make a decision and trust that i did the right thing. i wish that i could give you some sort of concrete decision, but i really don't know yet. i don't think i'll know until i get on the phone and tell her. Right now, i'm not going to lie, i'm really scared that if i decide to not go i'm going to lose your friendship..or you're going to be super disappointed in me or you're going to look at me differently, and that's why i want to just say "ok, i'll go" but, i know that is not a good reason...just to avoid disappointing someone. idk.

and, that may or may not be the reason why i have been slacking on the blog.

we need to get back to texting more. i promise, i have just been nervous that you're going to hate me.

i love you a lot.
and i miss you even more. [i don't know how that's possible, but i do]

xoxoxo
Dorri.

Dear Amanda,

I've got a lot on my plate.
it was my second day at Red Robin today and i loved it, but i'm really nervous of screwing things up massively. i don't know how i would do that.haha
i also, really think that i will NEVER end up finishing my room. this is what i'm working on right now: i'm in the middle of stenciling the wall. i just have to touch up a few edges, repaint the ceiling, and i am done with the painting part!!!!! that will seriously be fantastic. The stencil that i have looks FANTASTIC. i am in love with it.
So i miss you a lot. Sorry i haven't posted recently, i've had a lot on my brain..funny, when i really have a lot on my brain i tend not to write anything down at all.. so if you look at my journal for the last few days...i haven't written anything. i find that to be an interesting quirk in my personality. Oh! everything is working out so well..tomorrow i work at red robin in the morning so i will be off in time to go to graduation and a leaders dinner at solid rock [the youth group] and then go to another graduation party. :) it's going to be a blast of a day. quite busy.
I ended up saying "no" to Romania, because as amazing as it sounded, it really didn't work out with the fact that i just got this new job.. and i'm trying to save up for next year's endeavors.
my brother's birthday was the other day..and i spent a heck of a lot of money on him.. because i knew my parents couldn't afford it... and i know that he loved it. we went to the movies, and i took him to the place he really wanted to eat for lunch. and i bought him these stupid kanye west glasses he really wanted. haha.

So my dad won this thing where we can take our whole family and play catch in angel's stadium in the field and take pictures in the dugout and stuff for father's day. it should be really cool. i'm actually really excited about it. go....Father's Day! i bought my dad a giftcard to the 99 cent store. he is going to love it. honestly, that place like makes him drool.

i love you so much.
i miss you a lot.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

so i wanted to do stripes..so we figured the smartest way to do that was with painters tape...

it took a really long time.
at this point, we had used up an entire roll of tape.

so we had to go to Home Depot.

this is angelique.
she looks a lot like me. hahah she dyed her hair dark just the other day. :)

proving we actually bought things at home depot.

we completed the taping of the wall.

so then we painted the black stripes.

then we painted the three green stripes.

Dear Amanda,

Alright, let's try this one again.
So, tomorrow i start training at Red Robin! 4:00!
Tomorrow also happens to be my brother's birthday..and he wants me to take him to Sea World on Friday, but i think that i'm going to have to work that day too. how much does that suck. because, i actually really want to go to seaworld with him.

i got the coolest looking debit card for my wells fargo account..it's platinum.
i'm not sure if that means anything..but i feel really cool. haha

pictures... of the room process...thusfar.

BEFORE:



Then..i primed.

and primed some more [for like eight layers]

and primed all the other walls...


this is the color paint that i'm painting my main wall: candy apple green :)

first coat:


more to come soon.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

Good Morning.
I am literally avoiding painting right now...because it is my least favorite thing in the world.
hahahha
i do have to go drive to irvine and walk a dog. but i'll do that in a little bit.
and oh yes, my little sister is graduating from elementary school today!!!
i am so proud of her.
right now i am studying up on all my health and safety stuff for red robin. which, i'm not going to lie, is pretty boring to go through, but i just know that it's super important. so i am doing my best. :)

i feel like i haven't talked to you in about 20 years. i'll have to text you soon. haha
ilove you.
have a great day today.

xoxo

Dear Amanda,

i need the privacy of my room back. desperately. i can't handle being around my depressed family, stressed out/lashing out mother and all claws out attitudes.
seriously. i didn't realize how much it means to me to just have the place to get away.
i'm so frustrated with all the crap my family is going through. but at the same time i feel like i have to be strong because i don't have a reason to be affected by the situation. i don't know.

recently, i've just been scared.
honestly, just scared. there's so much going on. i don't even know how to respond to it anymore. i like literally have to repeat to myself that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.

i know, i know that God is going to work through all of this. and i know, i know that everything is going to turn out okay. but even as i hear those words coming out of my mouth, i find them so difficult to believe.

why is it so hard to trust God, the one who constantly and so consistently has provided miraculously for my needs?
Maybe it's because i see all these people in my life who i have never seen take a second glance at problems as they go by all of a sudden totally stumped by them.

How am i supposed to respond? Am i allowed to cry? I haven't even felt like punching anything. maybe that's because this is more of a hopelessness vs. an angry ordeal.

I've been trying to just focus on the task of getting ready for Red Robin and finishing painting my room and i'm just so distracted by everything that is happening in the house that i feel like i'm never going to finish.

not only all the things going on in my house, but i know this is going to sound stupid, but i've heard a lot of messages recently about muslims taking over the world, and the end times, and the mid trib rapture and america becoming a third world country, and the economy, and all of that literally scares me so badly. i have no idea why, but it consumes my thoughts..i have to pray it out of my mind every time i'm reminded of it. It's so much more real than it ever has been before. and i know, fear is the opposite of faith, but i right now i'm just not so confident that everything is going to turn out ok, and i really want to be confident in that.

these words....

Bankruptcy. Forclosure. Eviction. No Health Care. No Job. Debt Collectors. Depression. Entitlement. Suicidal. Hopeless.

i can't even type them without crying.
i just need a hug.
i just need to know that everything's going to be ok.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

I start tomorrow morning at 8 at Red Robin. Seriously, I am SOOOO excited.

and yes, i still plan on working at the silver store.. i just have to figure out what my work schedule for red robin is going to be. :)

devo's have been good. [i'll expand upon that later]

and i am praying about talking to the pastor who cody was/is going to work with.. i think it might be the right thing and the best thing to do.... idk.

i'm so tired. and i'm so full. i ate so much tonight. really.

i need to write a better blog post.
i will. it's coming tomorrow. look for it. but right now?
bedtime in my living room..since i have been told i am not allowed to sleep in my room yet. hahha.

i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

Due to the Espestus of the cottage cheese on my ceiling, my father and i could both potentially get lung cancer -my mother
so, last night i got the opportunity to sleep in the living room.

and i tossed, and i turned, and i tossed, and i turned. but i better get used to it because i'm going to be sleeping out there while i paint my room as well.
i have to go to home depot to see how much primer costs today.

it should be at least a couple day experience..
1st day: primer.
2nd day: white coat
3rd day: stripes on one wall
4th day: candy apple green wall
5th day: well it depends on when the pattern comes in. but stencil the other wall
6th day: print out black and white pictures and put them up
7th day: find out if my friend still doesn't want his loft bed.. and go from there.

fun stuff.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

Today has been the Best day ever!

i potentially got a new loft bed.
i got a job.
i got the cottage cheese off my ceiling.
i decided on a design for my room.


i love it. i can't help but think that it's because this morning when i woke up i asked God to bless my day.
God is so good.

love you.

Dear Amanda,

I did end up getting a beach towel, but i ended up having a gift card for it..so it was perfect! and it's super cute.

and the beach was fun...we didn't get there in time for prime tanning hours though, so i remain my white self. sad day.
I had fun hanging out with Angelique. we ended up going to goodwill [my favorite store...EVER] and she got some really cute stuff. I refrained from buying beautiful purple go-go boots and a zebra jacket. hahaha

and then i watched this spy movie with my dad with eddie murphy and owen wilson in it.

and me and my dad start trying to take the espestus off the ceiling of my room tomorrow. yay.

i'm tired.
i love you.

Dear Amanda,

Today i lost my favorite necklace at the beach.

Then i went back to look for it and it was gone.

So now i am in mourning.

Dear Amanda,

ok, i think i overreacted. i think i'm just hanging out with this boy. phew. hahaha
but today i'm going to the beach with my friend angelique, who i love, and i am so excited to hang out with. Can you believe there are people that i still haven't hung out with since i've been here? crazy.

So that is in the plans for today, and so is going to a chinese buffet for lunch with my family ?? eeeeh... yeea, my stomach might be complaining later. haha i'm okay with that though. i guess. i kinda have to be.

hope your day goes well.
love you.

Dear Amanda,

I am still stuck on the idea that you need to start a mom blog. Honestly, you could have the coolest blog ever. But, i am okay with beginning with a journal :)

Seriously, it is something that i believe in. Someday in the future i will be so happy with my young self because i documented so much. really. you may make jokes now, but when i am 80 and they use my journals to make a book about my life and i make millions of dollars and they erect a statue in my honor..i will be the one laughing. haha

sooo...i'm not quite sure whether i just agreed to go on a date with this guy i know tha i'm not necessarily attracted to, but is really nice???? hahhahahahhahah. oops.
we'll see how that goes.


we just watched the Blindside with my family and it really amazes me how Sandra Bullock reminds me exactly of Rene Hall and jawella. simply extraordinary.

So guess what?!
I'm going to open my first savings account tomorrow!
I'm very excited about the whole thing.

you want to hear the most ridiculous thing EVER!?!?
my little sister is the biggest pain when it comes to freaking buying shoes for her graduation. we were in payless for 2 HOURS!! and, there was definitely a point where she just sat down and started crying because none of the heels or flats were as "comfortable" as her sneakers.

sooo ridiculous.

ummm, ok, i really feel like i am getting myself roped into a date right now...
AHHHHHHHH... umm.. he's a really nice guy.. maybe i'm assuming its something it isn't.
uhhh...


i g2g. i'll let you know what's going on. when i figure it out.

love you!!

Dear Amanda,

that was a tough conversation.

sorry if i was rude at all. i didn't mean it, i promise.

i'm just trying to figure stuff out.

love you.

Dear Amanda,

Today, I worked a day in the silver store and used the money i earned to buy groceries for my family. I have never had so much fun buying groceries in my life.

it was one of those opportunities i couldn't pass up: we needed food. i had money.
it was fantastic. it felt sooo good.

let me just tell you how my night went. seriously, i was so shocked at the way the day turned.

I met up with one of my friends, Joana, and we went on a walk around Newport.
we talked for hours, about everything, from God to sex to life to everything.

it was honestly just a really good catch up and just talk.
so then we went and we were sitting in the car after our walk and she was just like..i really want to pray to end our night..[which i thought was kinda weird, but whenever i'm like ehh, i don't want to do that God always is crazy and does something amazing] so, i prayed after she did, and literally it was like i finally found break through.. and i was just praying for my family and i just started crying and kinda just admitting that i am having a hard time trusting Him and all this stuff.. and then we just sat and listened to worship music and it was like God's presence was just in that car. which is sooo random, but seriously, SO cool. like, i can't stop smiling. like..i feel like it's the start of getting my joy back. Reallly. Truly.

So i've decided that it would make a whole heck of a difference in my devotion time if instead of just sitting in bed reading and journaling if i got up and went to the park and made the effort to wake up and do it. so that's the plan. there's a park right next to my house with a lake, and i think it will be cool to go there and just do my devos.

OMG something HUGE that i realized today when i was talking to Joana..is that i have always wanted to work with girls...like girls who are struggling with eating disorders and suicide and depression and cutting, all things that i've been through. But then at the same time i was like, i really want to help girls who have been stuck in Human traffiking but how do i relate to them.. where at the exact same time, God's been putting on my heart just being accountabilitly and helping girls through sex addictions.. and i totally just realized that like, that is a HUGe part of coming out of sex trafficing, that there are going to be girls that are addicted to it even though it wasn't something that they had chosen to do..and that's what i want to do.
WOW. i don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it all of a sudden started to click in my head tonight. God is sooo cool! seriously. i would NEVER have thought of that.


i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

This may sound increasingly repetitive that i always say this..
but i love you. a lot. like i just got this wave of omg, i miss amanda so freaking much.
really. i don't know if i say it enough. i really miss you. substantially.
i miss coming over and just hanging out. i miss playing with your girls. i miss punching Arnie's punching bag and getting nasty cuts because i don't punch right. i miss jesus nights. i miss cream filled maple bars. i miss[?] crying baby. i miss putting Olivia to bed every night i was there, and learning about how to take care of children. I miss just being able to hug you. i miss being able to vent to you face to face. i miss complaining about the other interns to you.
i miss my Amanda. my family. ♥

ok, i needed to get that out of my system.

this i must say: can you believe that next week is the season finale of GLEE!?!
remember back in the day, when i didn't watch it and you got me into it? and i watched the entire first season in two days? lol.


so just as Applebees seemed to be the place that i never wanted to, but always ended up eating at while i was in Napa, here it seems to be Chili's. Really, it totally makes my stomach hurt. Badly.

I cleaned my room the other day. I think i'm going to paint it and rearrange it. i haven't decided what colors yet. I'll post options tomorrow. and i have to buy the corkboard and the buttons. which involved money. which involves a job. hahahha oh how the world goes round.

So my day?

sleeping my life away: Boo.
practicing piano: yay.
picking up the little sister [making the mother happy]: yay.
seeing my old ballet teacher from 5 years ago: bizarre.
going to home depot: boo.
picking out potential room decorating colors: yay.
Chili's: [my stomach votes boo]
Glee from last night: umm, duh.
the fact that i haven't showered in a few days: ....it's a matter of opinion...hahaha


Alright. i love you.
I'm going to go do worship before i go to bed.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

In the best interest of not violating my parole again like i have the last two nights, i took my computer and put it in the living room.

And, I have decided that i am going to learn how to play the piano.
So i have been practicing, a song called "irish jig". it just might be the most horrible song in the world, made worse by my intensely awful musical skills. Let's just say, my mother is probably very glad that she is deaf. haha

So anywho. my whole family is sick in some way or another...i'm trying to stay out of the way of all the germs. yuck.

omg! so my best friends came home from scotland the other day and i got to hang out with them last night and it was sooo fun. Their names are Megan and Katelyn...let's see if i have a picture of them...


they're twins.
and now that they're almost 22...they drink beer... like all the time. but not getting drunk, just like drinking it at meals. which makes them smell weird. haha

ummm and one of my guy friends wants me to go to the beach with him this weekend.
we're just friends, and i really don't think anything would happen... but it's probably not smart, huh.

i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I have a confession to make.

i stole a pillow from the hotel.

it is goose feather down, and i love it.


i am really concerned about this whole job thing. really. it has me up in a wad. I am stressed about it, and honestly, ready to not be able to be teased or looked at as lazy or incapable.

bahhh.

i drove the entire way from Santa Rosa.. and now i am just tired out.

[explains why i am practically falling asleep at the keyboard right now]


i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

i love being away from home, even for a little bit with the family. Just hanging out around a hotel is a lot of fun..and definitely stress free.

tomorrow hopefully i will get a phone call saying "Dorri, please come work for us at Red Robin"

i'm sittin in this empty lobby right now, you know, there is something about empty comfortable places. i could just be here forever. it's so calming. so quiet. so relaxing. i love it.
a comfy chair + chill music + fireplace + general peace and quiet + a computer= :)

good times.

have fun on your drive.
i miss you and love you.

Dear Amanda,

i am currently ditching a very long, quite amusing/ridiculous talent show.

Really. check out that video that i texted you again.

I'm really tired. but i think i'm going to get up and work out before i drive the 45ish minutes to Hillside tomorrow morning... especially because i caught a glimpse of myself in a swimsuit today, and if THAT's not motivation, i don't know what is. haha

So i'm pretty sure that today Cody removed me from being his friend on FB [or he could have earlier, i just didn't notice til today] and i'm pretty sure he's not planning on acknowledging what happened to anyone. which could explode in his and my face, or could be perfect. who knows. i guess it's a shock when people act on their hatred...even if you already know that they hate you.

life seems to be passing by very slowly. not that i'm looking forward to anything, but, you know? idk.

i'm so sorry that you are sick. i hate being sick. it's the worst. i can't even imagine being sick with children.

i love you.
reallly. with all my heart.

Dear Amanda,

Here is the deal-i-o.

1. i am super pissed at Jessy [the girl who told me that made my life hell yesterday via using and abusing information i told her] and i'm now having a hard time with trusting anybody.

2. i am still feeling like i screwed up this guy's life even though countless people have told me that i didn't.

3. I absolutely HATE deaf conventions. they are SOOO boring. like, ridiculously. i don't know whether it is the continual smiling and nodding at people who have known me since i was born, or the wonderful services, or the 9 hour car ride with my family, or perhaps the fact that i was supposed to have a bed to share with my sister and instead i am sleeping on a cot. I have no idea. Supposedly i'm supposed to be here. God only knows why.

seriously, i wish my days were getting better instead of worse. i just feel like crying but i know i can't because i am going to be surrounded by my family all weekend and they don't understand what's going on.

On to better things... i had my red robin interview and i really think it went well. hopefully i got that job.

i'm trying to decide whether i need to call Cody's brother and tell him to watch Cody....because he told me that he was going to commit suicide if people found out about this.. which i don't think he'll actually go through with it.. but he is a very rash person. i'm so worried. i don't know what to do?! why does it feel like my life is going to hell and a handbasket?

i just need a hug.
and the worst part is.. that i don't even know who i can trust anymore.
at one point in my life Jessy was almost as important to me as you are.
and she just turned around and did this to me.

i don't know if any of this has made sense.
ask if you need clarity.

what do you think i should do?
i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So i am about to leave for my interview. and i am very nervous. but i know it will be all good.

yay. hopefully i say all the right things.

i wanted to say thanks again for being there for me last night. i literally don't know what i would do without you.

i love you so much.

xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So lots of things have gone down in the last couple days. I actually haven't posted because i've been keeping my rule about not going on my computer later than 10:00...which i'm currently breaking, but for the sake of simply making a post on here, because it has been a long time! So the other day i went into the jewelry shop and just hung out with the girl boss, who i actually really like, she gave me a bunch of new rings and we had lunch and we went out on a duffy boat that she rented and i drove the whole time. we actually almost got stuck on the ground because it was low tide and we were in the place where you're not supposed to go. So we did that, and had lunch and it was a heck of a time. and obviously she wants me to come back and work with her.. but i don't want to. and then she asked me if i would just work one day.. just tomorrow and i told her i would just because, you know, i still have a phone bill that i have to pay on June 3rd. So i'm doing that tomorrow, but only after the interview that i have at Red robin that i am so excited about! i really, really want to get the job. hopefully the manager likes me enough to hire me. Let's see, what else has happened. oh, i cleaned my room, got rid of the tv that i had, and since i have already spent a significantly more amount of time in devotions instead of staying up til 3 am watching tv. oh yea, and i may, or may not have gotten another piercing. but i promise you, i'm done after this one! really this time. i think one more would be crossing the line. you know that line, between did you just walk out of hot topic and cool. the bachelorette has started, and i am already a big fan of two of the guys. one's name is frank.. and the other is this guy with a kind of a weird voice, but he's super cute. love it. I think that she's already kinda starting to fall for this latin guy named Roberto. Anywho, enough of that, I have this wonderful deaf convention this weekend which i am not looking forward to and worst of all, if i stayed home i literally have so many random jobs open for just this weekend that i could probably make a couple hundred dollars. SOOOOOO LAME! oh well. supposedly it's God's will that i go. i have no clue why. i guess we'll find out. I'll keep you posted. Let's see...what else. oh yea, my brother is suicidal again, and is cutting again. yay. puts a fun mood on the house.
and i really want to redecorate and rearrange my room. BADLY. seriously, it has been this way for so long. time to change. too bad i can't do that til i have the money to buy paint and stuff. Have you ever realized just how much it costs to do anything? seriously, money is always involved. soo sad.
alright, well that is my rant for the night. i can't wait for tomorrow..it's going to be super weird. really. i hope i get it. i'm trying to figure out what to wear, but i'm not even sure yet. i'll decide. it will be good. oh yea, and my family got one of those things you have in your garage that you hang the punching bag on and you can beat it all you want! yes! i'm so stoked.

ok, well i love you with all my heart, and i miss you a lot. a lot, a lot.

Dear Amanda,

i feel like shit.

i don't know how i keep letting this happen.
i would call you, but i don't even know what to say.
i'm so embarrassed.

tonight's events were probably the worst possible for me.
i thought it was just going to be "fun"
and it was...
but i think that there is an obvious difference when i hang out with them and when i hang out with other people.

i just hate how i feel right now.
i wish i could talk to you.
i do. but i know you're sleeping.



...i'm sorry.

Dear Amanda,

My ex-boss and his wife are trying to get me to work with them this summer at the silver store.
And so this man, Tony George..who i despise and made my life hell for the last summer, slightly reminiscent of a certain John Hall, has joined facebook just to taunt me and convince me to work with him.

i don't know what to do. every time i see his name i get aggravated.
but, he's offering me a job. a life-sucking, horrible job. but a job.

AGHH.

Dear Amanda,

I am in LOVE with Idina Menzel [Rachel's mom on Glee]
seriously. she is my idol.

so yesterday i watched two season finales of the same show [gossip girl] within a couple hours of each other. talk about confusing.
needless to say, i have "xoxo, Gossip Girl" stuck in my head.

Maybe it's time i stop spending so much time watching tv.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

it is weird that i just saw you the other day. i feel like it was a dream.

So, i had an idea for my room the other day when you were talking about your grandma who collects buttons and covers them from ceiling to floor. Well, what if i used buttons[like sewing buttons] and did the same thing with one wall..and then painted the other walls in correlation? that would be so cute and soo happy! it'll take a lot of work, but i think it will be worth it.

i am super excited because for the first time in a while i am going out with a group of friends.. tomorrow night. it should be a lot of fun: bowling and just hanging out. and earlier in the morning i am going to some women in ministry luncheon with the new guy in charge of the district in the assemblies of God. I am hoping to find a job there... or anywhere else for that matter.

Actually, my old boss messaged me on facebook yesterday and told me that i had my job back if i wanted it...and i literally hated my life when i worked there...so i told her i would think about it. [the life-sucking jewelry store, remember?]

So, you are going to laugh at this. i think that i have some sort of like sexual frustration built up because i haven't even been like vaguely interested in any boys that knew i exist for a while... and so i feel this need to like someone and yet there is no one in my life to like. i have looked. maybe that's a good thing. i don't know.

Anywho. oh! yesterday, i fixed the dress angie gave me, and now it fits and its cute! i'm so excited to wear it. my mom was like, wow, this must be important to you that you're spending this much time fixing something. and it was. and then, haha afterwards, i tried to make this skirt with layers and a pocket, and it was an epic failure. like the worst. like, i wouldn't even wear it. hhaha. good times.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

It is 2 AM.

i have to leave my house at 5 AM

that is all.

Dear Amanda,

i thought i should let you know that i own these. and i'm wearing them today.
thought you might get a kick out of that.
#51.

Dear Amanda,

I think that i really want to take dance classes this summer... i miss dancing sooo much. it's like an integral part of who i am.
but, once again, that requires money, which requires me finding a job. it is AMAZING to me how just about everything in America revolves around having money. So i watched the movie "Fame" this morning, and i'm pretty much realizing just how much i love singing/dancing/musical schools and life. Really. [if you hadn't guessed by my obsession with Glee] omg, ps, i watched this other show the other night called Marriage Ref... its a Jerry seinfeld show, and it is seriously hilarious. like married people send in a tape of a fight they have, and then a panel of celebrities discuss their problems and make jokes and then decide who is right in the argument. you should watch it. really. So every day feels like a saturday to me these days. i spent the night at my friend Christina's house last night and we literally have just chilled. we made breakfast and watched movies. and i think we are going to go bike riding. [gotta fit that exercise in there somewhere, right? lol] so i have this horrible.. what are they called, i think it's a cold sore? blegh. it hurts sooo bad. i feel like it's eating my face.
So last night [did i mention that this summer i am learning how to cook?!] i learned how to make hamburgers. i actually like put the meat together and mixed in mustard and salt and pepper and oil and put my thumb print on them and then cooked them on this grill thing. i was sooo proud of myself. And at my friend Kelly's house i have this whole pitcher of non alcoholic burban slush... so basically just slush. hahah and i've been drinking it nonstop because, seriously, it is sooo good! its like lemonade and orange juice and other stuff and then you pour sprite into it. i think next time she's going to let me make it and i'm going to put it into the freezer so it's an actual slush instead of just drink. and maybe i'll find myself a little umbrella..and put sugar around the rim :)

i can't wait to see you saturday! YAY!
love you!

Dear Amanda,

i've made a new goal in my life to get tan.
because i've realized that goal is completely attainable.
in fact, i'm already quite on my way to accomplishing it. ahaha.
i've been to the beach like 4 times in the last week.
omg, did i tell you that i feel like i'm in training to be a nanny or something? i've dropped off and picked up both my brother and sister to school every week day since i've been here. hahaha. ridiculous.
then, today i realized i should probably do something about my coolant light being on again, so i opened up the hood of my car, tried to open the radiator funnel thing and green stuff came gurgliing out at me, and after putting more 50/50 in, the light was still on? lol, i'm sooo good at mechanics. why don't i get a job doing that this summer? at least i happened to have a funnel in my car :)

that was the adventure of the day so far... who knows what can happen next?
maybe i'll find a giraffe in my bedroom or somethin. hahaha

love you!

Dear Amanda,

So i haven't had my computer for the last couple days..it's broken, imagine that.
You're the only person i feel comfortable actually saying this to without being extremely nervous that they will get incredibly annoyed or that they will get sick of me...

but i really think that i'm seriously depressed. what with the feeling like i have no friends and nothing to do ..and my whole family falling apart.

needless to say, all i feel like doing is sleeping.
and not even that sounds like what i want to do.
and i can't help but feel like i'm going to feel this way forever...because it's been a week and i don't feel any better yet.

i want to get better...i'm not trying to sulk or even wallow in self pity.
it's like i'm just hurting inside. and i cant concentrate on anything else.

i think i'll feel better...i just don't yet, and i'm sick of feigning excitement, even though i know that my mom and people around me understand, i just feel like i'm a dissapointment every day i'm not myself yet. even though they tell me otherwise.

i don't know what to do.

i love you.
i can't wait to see you.

Dear Amanda,

I have resolved that it is time for ME to listen to GOD.
Not listen to other people talk to me ABOUT God.
Not listen to people tell me what God is saying to me.
Not listen to God speak through other people...

but DIRECTLY to me.

Because i know, that he is willing.
And i know, that he is speaking.
And i know, that i haven't really been listening.

I want to hear the unsolicited voice of God.
To incline my ear to that small and gentle whisper.
Because He IS in control.
Because He has plans set before me that i will never understand.
Because I'm learning that He isn't out to torture me.

Because I'm worth it.
Becuase He loves me.

To realize that i have misunderstood,
thinking that He was simply someone to go to for guidance
and not...

a best friend, an abba father, my daddy.



He will speak, i will listen, and

I WILL do what He says.

Dear Amanda,

So i had a very full day yesterday.
First of all, I finished cleaning my room [but, there is a secret stash of clean laundry sitting in the dryer that i'm trying to avoid having to squeeze into my closet.] and the worst part about that is, that i just got rid of 2 trashbags of clothes. and i found a jacket that is super cute that i think would fit you. We'll find out. You might think it's really ugly. haha.
So i went roller blading like i said and i totally got sunburnt. Then i ended up helping with choreography for the play that's on the same weekend as Angie and Manny's wedding, then i just hung out with drama people for a little bit.. then i went to my youth group.

And seriously, ok, when i came into the youth group i remembered why i love it here, because i love the kids in my youth group. i really do. i love them. And if anything is worth living for down here, it's them.
So i spent the night at my friend Erica and Emily's house last night and then i met my friend whitney for breakfast. and it's cool because Whitney has been one person who has actually asked me if i missed people and things in Napa and it actually was a breath of fresh air like, someone recognized that i have feelings.

so now i am applying for jobs online, looking for a good cheap flight and watching The Devil wears Prada on my new little super old 13inch tv i have in my room :)

oh yea,
if i get the flight, i'm going to be here Saturday morning and i will leave monday night.
but i think i'm going to keep it a secret if i do get the tickets so don't say anything to anyone. especially angie.

i love you.
i miss you a lot.

Dear Amanda,

I'm taking your advice.
I don't think i realized how calming it is to not have to do anything really, and to have an empty house to do it in. My worship music is blaring, and I am in the middle of cleaning my room. I really think that i will end up cleaning out some of my closet today too. And then I'll mail stuff up to Courtney Wyatt and Jaclyn because they called dibs? haha.

...

So currently I am at that stage of cleaning up where you're almost done, but the last things you have to pick up just seem like boulders and a huge pain to put away. I hate this part. I'm losing juice. ahahaha...didn't get my glass of apple juice last night...maybe that's why. haha

love you!

Dear Amanda,

So today has been extremely weird.
Because it's true, I'm in southern California, and i'm doing all the things that i've ever done in southern california, but i kinda feel like i'm just wandering around and not doing anything useful. Like, i just feel very mopey. The people who i was so looking forward to hang out with, i wasn't excited about.
i don't know. it was kinda pathetic.

So today i had a taste of a burban slushy and i watched knocked up.
two totally anti everything fuel things. and it was just, ehh. you know? I totally just feel like i have no personality, and no aim or purpose.

So Manuel asked me for the message that Brent sent to me in response to what i had asked him... and i had never said anything to Manny about that message...i wonder if Jaclyn or Angie did. so i sent it to him.

i'm excited that you're getting a dress made for you.
did you ever figure out whether you can send the other one back or not?

i think i have to clean out my closet...soon. because all my stuff can't be unpacked because there's not enough room.

Napa feels like a dream. I've been thinking about it all day long. i guess i'm just feeling really lonely.
what's really strange to me is that i haven't really broken down about it yet... like i've only cried a couple tears this whole time. but i just feel really wrecked up inside

i'm sorry about how depressing this post is.
i promise it will get better soon.

i just don't know what to do about it.

i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So this morning I had all these grandiose plans of waking up early..which was kinda ridiculous when I didn't go to bed til 2:40am. So I ended up waking up at like 10:40 which I'm pretty sure is the latest I've slept in in the last 8 months. haha.
So I have this like dancing with the stars cardio workout video and i decided that i was going to do it this morning, and it DESTROYED me. seriously, i was exhausted afterwards. then, i'm all, glad that's over, and i take a shower and i slipped and fell: like a horrible fall, and just started laughing, because yea, it hurt, but it was soooo ridiculous. hahaha. then i did my devos, and my plans for today? honestly, i just want my room to look normal and get most of my stuff unpacked.

that's all i want. normality.
however, it will not happen.
getting used to this is what i think they call "moving on"
i don't know about this.

well,
being 7 1/2 hours away doesn't stop me from loving you at all.
i discovered that when i thought about how going to your house wasn't part of my plans for the day :(.

xoxo.

Dear Amanda,

It is 2 am, and I am home. I actually got home at about 1 am, but since then I have been up trying to put some stuff away and check the endless comments on the excessive amount of Facebook status updates I made via cell phone whilst on the road.

hahahhaha so not only did we
1. almost overheat so we had to pull off the side of the road and cool the engine down for a good amount of time...

but i also..

2. had to go about 90 miles per hour on the grapevine to keep the momentum going to be able to get up those hills and stuff [and, oh yea, my windows were rolled down and the heater was on full blast] complaining sister+bad sound system+bad food in my system= definitely a road trip. haha

and then...

3. i almost get pulled over by a cop a mile from my house because i'm going 50 in a 45 zone. and my mom freaks out. even though i didn't actually get pulled over. haha.

and now, i think i'm really tired, but i'm just staying up for no reason. i'm not 100% sure why i'm doing that.

and my plans for tomorrow?:

7:00am; wake up and do a workout video or something
8:00am: devotions. see how loud i can play my music with no one complaining.
all day long...unpack.
3:00: pick up my brother and sister and visit people at the hs i went to.
night-time: go to my friend's house and watch a movie and have dinner.

that's an estimation.
wow, i miss you already.

love you!
xoxo

I LOVE getting ready for fancy things. It's my favorite. However..... I have No idea what I'm going to do with my hair. Shhh!

Dear Amanda,

Here is my todo list for the day:

1. find a place to take my car

2. Finish Packing

3. Clean My room

4. take a shower

5. set my curls

6. get ready for tonight

7. tell Manny that my parents are staying at my host home

8. finish the end gifts

9. paint my nails

10. send my mother a chill pill.

Believe it or not, i just talked to my brother on the phone, and he was the most refreshing person in the family to talk to. he's so calm and doesn't care about anything.
i love him.

i tossed and turned a lot last night...i'm not 100% sure why. Sometimes i just have nights like that, you know?

i have one box that's full that's really bugging me in the middle of the room because it's full of shoes and then one or two hanging things and it doesn't close...

ps... who made that tres leches that was in your fridge that one day? omg..it was soooooo good. seriously.

i think that when i go home i'm going to try and workout.. but find things that i enjoy doing that are workouts.


that advice that you gave me last night was really good. it challenged me. it definitely has me thinking.

sorry about how sporadic my thoughts are right now.. seriously: so random.

after the last few nights....i really feel like a Salaiz.

Dorri Lachelle Salaiz. i think it works. a lot more than Dorri Hall does.

i love you.

Dear Amanda,

Hello. I am in the middle of packing and I feel like even though I've been working for 2 straight hours I have gotten close to nothing done. And I have finally gotten that knot deep in the pit of my stomach which makes me think I'm finally starting to realize that I'm leaving and all that entails.I'm really excited because I picked out a necklace that I think each of the interns would like and I'm going to give it to them. Unfortunately when I brought things up here every time I came back from socal I didn't even consider what he'll it would be like trying yo pack it all into the like two bags and 3 boxes that I have and then throwing everything else into trash bags. Fun times. So I'm sitting here, typing to you and strategizing. Well, I guess I should get back to work I have lots to do... And I have to figure out how to get my car fixed today???? And I have no idea how in the world to do that. Yay!!!


I love you.

Dear Amanda.

First of all, I'd like to point out that I suck at life because I'm going to bed right now and I haven't memorized any of my scripture that's due tomorrow.

I think that I'm just going to make a little list of observations that I've made recently.

1. I've kinda been keeping a secret from you....I've been messing up a lot recently which has just made me feel like crap, like all the time.

2. I'm almost 100% sure that I am in shock and denial about leaving

3. I HATE reading one of my closest friend back home's blog because it just shows how life has moved on and other people have found their way into significant parts of her heart.... And yet I spent a good chunk of time reading it tonight, torturing myself, I guess trying to prepare myself for what is to come.

4. It really bugs me when people are super stressed and they show it / lash out at people and refuse to do other things that are required even though everyone else has the same amount of things to do, if not more.

5. I don't really like deep fried ice cream

6. I really like that old spice commercial.

7. I think that Danielle has the gift of leading people to the lord (evangelism?) because she seriously leads someone to God like everywhere we go. It's cool.

Alright, I'm exhausted

I'm going to miss you a lot. Don't make me leave! :(

xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I don't know what in the crap is going on in my life.
period.


love you.

Dear Amanda,

I've actually been thinking about keeping an online journal for the time that I'm in the Philippines. I know, ridiculous, the idea of me giving up something tangible and handwritten to get my aggravation/excitement/everything out. There are pros and cons..like for example, i can type a lot faster than i write. And, if i just do it on this blog then i won't have to worry about anyone but you reading it.. and you could make me a book of my own thoughts. But then, at the same time, seriously, journals are soooo cute. and, there's just something about having a full book that is full of handwritten pages. it reminds me that there was another person on the other side of that book, putting effort and endless hours documenting thoughts and feelings. you know? so it's a toss up.
I have always wanted to write an autobiography. Why not right?
It is actually in my personal opinion that everyone should have a biography about themselves. Because everyone is interesting.... and everyone deserves to be written about.

my thoughts for the day.

love you!

Dear Amanda,

So we do this thing called "OC Time" which is helping out with all of the coordinating of trips, right? So we work with Allison every, idk, tuesday and thursday afternoon coordinating trips and working on schedules and sending out emails and calling people: you know, the works. And we were assigned 3 projects for the end of the year that we need to have accomplished on top of our other assignments: and i just realized that they are going to be a little bit more of a task for me than i expected. Ever since about an hour and a half ago, i have been swimming in a sea of information about Brazil, Mexico and the Philippines trying to make binders and country info papers, and all that i have done [and no, i have not gotten distracted, for once] is empty out all the binders and sort out what will be helpful for me when i start to put them back together and start a country overview.

GOOOD TIMES.

i am a little worker bee.. and i WILL get everything accomplished.
:)
my determination will get me through.

xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I just spent some time looking at things on facebook, and I'm realizing more and more that life is not going to be the same when i go back home... my friends who were super close before will have moved on, and some of the relationships i had will be fizzing out. That seriously just depressed me, and makes me really want to just stay here longer. Something else I realized today, is that when I come back to visit, I won't see all the interns here. That makes me really sad. I really don't like transition times. I don't like that every two seconds someone comes up to me or mentions that "isn't it almost to the end of your time here?" or "It's going to be really sad when you guys leave"

you think you're going to be sad? hah.

I won't lie, I am truly excited for the unknown, for the future, but i can't help but think about how much it sucks at the same time. I'm finally comfortable here. I've found a family. [Lolly finally knows my name!]...I'm not ready to up and leave.
I guess somewhere in my head, until just now, i thought that i would come back and all my friends would be exactly the same and all the time i spent with them would keep me up there in their priority of friend "list"....but i realize now that is not true at all. People move on.....especially when you move to NorCal.

So...you've got to stick with me, K?
i need ya.

xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I am disgusting.
I smell, and I am just overall pretty gross.
but I am accomplished.
I can't wait til tomorrow.
I loved seeing you tonight. It was a ton of fun.

i love you so much!
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So i am convinced that we are going to be waken up in the middle of the night, if not early in the morning tomorrow morning. And, i think Arnie is in on this conspiracy.

those are my conclusions.

love and miss you!
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

everyone says thank you and they love you for the treats :)

xoxo

Dear Amanda,

did you know we are allowed to accept gifts that are brought to us, but not ask for them?

love you!
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So first day of glory week is complete. Seriously, life is insane here. Me and zac made dinner tonight and we made seiously the most amazing stirfry thing ever... Ok he cooked it and I arranged it. So everyone is suspicious about what I'm doing rf
ight now so I g2g but don't worry I'm keeping a very well documented account for you. Love you! Xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So i've been thinking about your predicament [being stuck in the house all day long, all the time]
So i've come up with a list of things for you to do/try to entertain you.

1. try and lick your elbow
2. see how long you can hold a note.
3. count how many times your children run from wall to wall before they get tired of it.
4. try and swallow your tongue.
5. perfect your [insert favorite actress/actor here] impression.
6. watch tv, and repeat everything said with an italian accent.
7. step off a curb with your eyes closed and pretend you are falling off a cliff.
8. make prank phone calls. [don't forget to block your number]
9. see how long you can gargle water. is it harder with soda?
10. close your eyes and pretend you are in your favorite place in the world.
11. write me a note :)
12. dye your hair
13. dye your child's hair.
14. instead of folding laundry teach your children how to do it, but make it a game. Laundry monopoly anyone?
15. photo shoot! [that's what timer was invented for, right?]
16. teach yourself how to juggle.
17. have a lemonade stand
18. read a dictionary [improve your vocabulary for fun!]
19. learn how to make an origami swan
20. peanut butter smores. enough said.
21. try to catch 25 grapes in your mouth, one by one, in a row.
22. dye your hair with kool aid
23. frozen chocolate covered banana pops. mmmmmmm.
24. have a stay awake a thon. you would be pro at this.
25. laugh 400 times today. keep count.

do it.
hahahha.

love you!
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

This post is for the sole purpose of fawning over Glee.
Not only did i 1, have a dream about it last night,
but 2, i finished the whole season in two days.
I seriously love all the songs that they put in there... and the characters are phenomenal.
so dynamic.
i think that i love kirt, not only because of his fashion sense, but also his ability to sing Defying Gravity.

i'm pretty sure i just wish that life was like glee... where everyone just dances around and sings their feelings... it kinda makes me feel like high school musical on crack. a little bit more real too [can you imagine the uproar if troy got gabriella pregnant?!] anywho.

Life would be better if everyone knew choreographed dance moves and specified harmonies for every emotion that was evoked at any period of life.

seriously.. i think i should be on broadway someday.
i actually don't think that my voice is good enough, but i can always hope, right?

i love you!
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I would just like you to know that I'm a tv watching beast, and I finished 6 episodes of glee today: wheter that may be partly contributed to by the fact that we didn't leave the church til midnight , who knows. So I'm pretty much in love with it. It just kills me, and I love how all these random songs are tied in. At some points I kinda feel like I'm watching a very very long high school musical. Anywho, just wanted to tell you that and omgggg I moshed tonight and it was ridiculous. Lol more info to come.

I love you!
Xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So I'm watching the "best Christmas pageant ever" and creating a faith promise card to assist me in my fund raising endeavors over the summer. I have a long list of things that i am supposed to accomplish for Allison by the end of the day, and yet I am by no way interested in completing them all. oh well. i'll do my best. haha.

SOOOO did you hear that there is an open casting call for Glee? anyone who is 16-26 can audition. If only... hahahah

So beyond the norm, Courtney came and taught us a class this morning on leadership. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty sure I've enjoyed her class more than any of the other classes I've taken so far. omg.. and we realized this morning that we only have a week and a half left of Berean classes! yes! i've decided that as soon as i get all the books for my second year, i am going to do all the classes in like a weeks period over the summer. I'm just going to hole myself in...store up some food, and study and learn like a maniac, and then be done. it will be the biggest accomplishment, and i will be so relieved when it's over. i can barely wait. haha.

So the leaders have all continued to be extremely vague in regards to Glory week. I'll post when i get more information.

oh yea, and evidently today, Sarah's tail light went out. sad. i wish that was the only problem with my car. Did Arnie ever end up figuring out the combo?

PS...I've decided that Monday nights are one of my favorites... i really like the black market small group. It helps keep me accountable. :)
speaking of accountability... i have something to ask you later.

well, i'm going to finish watching my movie now. [YAY lunchtime]

love you.
hope you feel better.
xoxox

Dear Amanda,

TODAY IS THE DAYY!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously...
what would i do without you and your house to keep me occupied?
and, hahah, i almost came over at midnight last night.
but then i thought...that might be weird.
then i realized that it totally wouldn't have been.

and now i am really really excited. because i am just an excited person in general.

sooooo. how has your day been so far? mine has been quite entertaining.
we worked for a very long time on the church [we had a work day instead of staff devos this morning]
and i'm pretty sure that at 1:00 in our meeting with Manny we're going to get into trouble for all the things we've been screwing up in for the last week or two.
Seriously, we're all pretty much exhausted, and i feel like all we're trying to do is stay out of trouble....like i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything else.
HAHAHAHHAHAH let me just tell you what happened as i was typing that.
Ashley walks in and says, i want to apologize for snapping at you this morning, but you were looking at a paper, and then pastor greg said not to look at it, so you put it down but you kept looking at it, then i told you not to look at it, but you kept looking at it... and i just felt like you disrespected me, Pastor Greg, Global Passion and Hillside.

WHAT!?!???!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!?
hahahhahahaha my point has been proven, oh so perfectly.

i love you and i can't wait to see you tonight!!!!!
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

9 hours, 556 minutes til i am finally allowed to go over to your house again.
I am sooo happy.
Today has been a really busy day: first we worked out at the gym, which i was extremely grateful for...seeing as how i am RIDICULOUSLY sore from yesterday morning's self defense workout. seriously, my entire back is dying. But i am going to be so ripped. haha. unfortunately for me, muscle weighs more than fat. [wow, tangent...] anyways, so then we had chapel and then we had to meet with Stacy and rearrange a classroom for offramp moms. then i went straight from that to do a class with pastor eric, from which i breathed in and out twice, then i had to meet with Stacy again. then, i just escaped from the horrible curse of having to put together something that i am awful at, and i sat down and i am writing to you, and in only a short amount of time me, Manny, Jaclyn, Ashley and Zac are going to some college fair thing to advertise FUEL. I thought it was funny the people that they chose to go.. because you have the person who graduated college and came, the person who stopped college to come, and then the person who just chose to forgo college all together for a couple years. [you can put names to those descriptions if you wish]

So tomorrow's the big day... April FOOLS!!!!! do you have your little jokes to play on O all ready yet?

love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

So I asked permission to spend the night on Friday and everything is a go, except i got this crazy warning that I shouldn't make your house an escape anymore because obviously things at my host home are "fine" and ahhhhhhh. He's like, if i hear that it's a problem, i'll have to do something about it. And i told him that the reason I go to your house is because i like you. and he said that it isn't a concern with anyone else. and all i wanted to do was sock him in the face and tell him its because my host home sucks. it's all i can do to not be frustrated with him putting such limitations. he acts like if i start going over to your house its suddenly going to be like, OMG where is dorri? from the Halls when in all reality, i've been gone so much anyways they thought i have been going to your house. Argh. talk about needing a punching bag... or perhaps another self defense class? definitely.

on to different matters...girl time was so untalkative today. it was weird. and it seemed like Ashley was getting really frustrated. and Jaclyn's in a weird mood. So i just made a 25 point to-do list of things that i must accomplish today to keep my mind off things. after all, what good is it to just sit around and be frustrated, why not busy yourself, right?

i think that maria is keeping track of the food she's eating, and by the sneaky glances that i make her way i've noticed that it's no wonder she's so skinny. craziness.

anyways. i love you.
i wish there was no drama here.
it frustrates me.

omg, and you want to hear something funny? ok... so yesterday a few of us went over to the hess house before the turkey dinner at pastor steves.. and we watched the blindside, right? which was an amazing movie, btw. and then i came home after the dinner and heather was like, i've been waiting for you... i have a movie that you've never seen before... hahah can you guess what movie it was? That's right... the blindside. so i tried to stay awake to watch it with her and pretend that i'd never seen it.. but i was soo tired. so i fell asleep. so we're going to watch it someday. hahahah.
oh man.

k.
peace out.

Dear Amanda,

So i haven't written on this thing in a very long time. Actually I haven't blogged at all for a good week.
I want to let you know how much i feel like i am a 12 year old who keeps getting in trouble for putting on lip gloss when she's not allowed to.
yesterday, we got in trouble for forgetting to put back the chairs after offramp,
and then today we got in trouble and everyone has to re-run the run that we did this morning because we didn't try hard enough which really PISSES me off because i ran as freaking hard as i could.. i didn't walk.. but just because i was slower than i was last week i have to run an entire freaking 5k AGAIN. i seriously could kill PG.
I'm so frustrated. that makes me want to never even try because if they are going to assume that i have just given up just because my time is a little slower, then what's the point?!?!? i feel like i'm being judged because my physical capabilities are not as good as say maria or anyone else.

whatever. and, ps, i am really annoyed at some of the people in this room.

love you.
fun life is so soon! 2 DAYS!!!!!
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

Only one more week of forced separation.
Did you realize that Manny said that people would get to go over and help out once a week and it only happened once? Haha, oh well. Whatever.
So I'm trying to think about what has happened that I haven't talked to you about. Seriously, this week has been crazy.
let's see, today is thursday... oh yea, yesterday our service went really good! the spoken word, idk, every time i listen to it to my little critical ears it gets worse and worse.

soooo, I've christened today as favorites day... because i think i just found my new favorite song which is hilarious. its by Francesca Battistelli or whatever, called "my paper heart" haha, let me explain why i love this song. it sounds like something a girl would be singing on Broadway whilst dancing down the aisles and throwing paper hearts into the audience..and then everyone on stage joins in... yep.

oh yes, and i had my first pumello yesterday, which i was told was just a really large grapefruit. unfortunately the skin was like an inch thick, and i'm pretty sure if i had just gotten a normal grapefruit then life would have been just as good. haha.
sooo sad.
it's all good though, because that's one more fruit in the world that i have tried :)

ps... i don't like drinking water because i literally have to go to the bathroom ALLLL the time.
i went like 10 times yesterday.

xoxo
love you.

1 WEEK!

Dear Amanda,

I got 27 dresses the movie in the mail today! so i now have 3 movies to contribute to our long awaited marathon... he's just not that into you, 27 dresses, and bride wars.
all really good ones. i can't wait.

so since I've been so incredibly bored at my host home recently, I've decided that I'm going to watch my way through their movie cabinet... which isn't really that big, so it really isn't that huge of a feat. i watched Raising Helen the other day, which is sooo cute! and then i watched Julie and Julia last night which i wasn't the biggest fan of. really, i can't wait til i can come to your house again. things are just different with my host family. idk.

so today is a new day..I'm planning on reorganizing my desk today. and we actually have a really fun morning ahead of us: we have devotions, then girl time, then we have a class with Courtney Wyatt which i am definitely excited about.

so in the past couple days i have added like ridiculous amounts of music to my collection that i have been stealing from sam and ashley..it's been quite fun..
and
OMG have you heard that while i pick through the fridge for leftover food, Sarah and Tasha are going to see Legally Blond the show and eating at Rutherfords?!

and i was really excited when you bought me toothpaste. [still am.]
[i'm soo thankful for you guys as my family.]

love you!
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

i feel weird. Really, really tired and no appetite.
like i have absolutely no interest in the movie I'm watching either.
lame. i think it's just because the events of today were so draining.
i wonder if maria's okay.
i mean i know she will be...
i guess I'm just worried. but i don't need to be, right?
i just have this horrible image of her ingrained in my head like hanging from a tree [as gruesome as that is]
and i shouldn't... but i do.
i just really don't know what to do about it.
i know... there's nothing i can do, but i feel like there is, and i just haven't discovered it yet.
i feel like punching something or crying or going back in time .... and yet i can't do any of those things.

i'm so confused.
i don't know what to do Amanda.
i guess i just need to give it to God. i don't even feel like doing that.
this is me... not knowing what's going on.
not often am i this confused.

love you.

Dear Amanda,

i have to write this thing called a "written word" which is like a God version of slam poetry.. the kind that they have clubs for and they just quote poetry all night long?
Anywho, so on wednesday i was informed that i have to write one by monday. and who was busy the ENTIRE time from wednesday til now and is currently exhausted? oh! ME!
and sarah's jumping down my throat...like you MUST have this done by 1... and i told her that it was impossible for me to write anything good by then.. especially being exhausted: it's all just going to come out jumbled..and i have absolutely no confidence in my ability to write poetry. i've never done it before... so how in the world am i supposed to come up with something good enough to perform in front of a group of people by the end of today?

stupid.

Dear Amanda,

today i teach freeway. i don't know what i'm doing.

Dear Amanda,

so i decided that i came up with a good idea to make a list of things that i wanted to do in napa before i left...or maybe that was you who said that... or someone else. either way, i thought this would be a fun place to put it.

1. catch a lizard.
2. learn how to do an actual drumroll
3. be entirely capable of beating someone up [you know, just in case i get attacked]
4. find a lifelong support group/ person.
5. toilet paper someone's house
6.


already accomplished:
have to stop in the middle of the road because cows are crossing
see an actual deer in nature



hahahah, this list is a bit shallow.
i'm sure there's more i'm sure that i just haven't thought of yet.

Dear Amanda,

long time no talk. So literally yesterday and today have been entirely consumed by the Family Fun Festival. Really. no spare time, whatsoever. that is crazy to me. I'm pretty sure a list of things i did yesterday include: calculating all of the profit for the candy, drinks and food sold at the FFF based on a variety of different retail prices, mapping out where all the booths would go and then making a detailed map on the computer to use, making all the food signs, organizing the games, etc, etc, etc.
you know, i talk about it like i hate it... really, i think i thrive on busy-ness. i love planning big events. so that's why i had so much fun this morning telling everyone where everything went and problem solving throughout the day. seriously.. my favorite parts [besides seeing you] was when we set up all the games and created the arrangement and when the shifts were overlapping and we had to figure out how to move all the people around so there were workers everywhere. that may sound weird... but it is true. [judge me all you want. haha]
ps...i realized for the like the 80 bajillionth time in my life today just how bad i am with names. really. i'm pretty much the worst. ever. like i introduced myself to this girl today and she was like.. we've already met [it was the interpreter's daughter..who i now realize i totally already knew.] so embarrassing.
umm.. another random conclusion i came to today? there's this little girl named Carly.. who is a little troublemaker who i'm totally in love with... who looks just like Ellie from Up! i was laughing becuase i kept thinking she looked familiar.. anywho.

oh the other really exciting thing that i did today!? I CAUGHT MY FIRST LIZARD!!!! it was just sitting on the grass! that is one more things that i can check off of my list of things that i want to do before i leave Napa. i should make an actual list of those things shouldn't i? yes. i will.

ok. so then later today we went to see Bounty Hunter as a celebration of Sam's birthday. the movies and wendys... and i officially moved myself to poverty. i have 50 cents to finish off this month with. hahahahah
it's actually a better movie than i thought it was going to be.

PS...i'm kinda worried about your neice. She's really in danger of being hated by me right now due to my extreme jealousy. i don't want to feel this way... really.

xoxo,
still me :)

Dear Amanda,

Today, I had a wonderful dark cherry soy mocha compliments of Starbucks. It was awesome... once you register a card then they send you this free drink postcard. and the best part about it is that i hadn't received the card until later on in the day after i had gone to Starbucks and already gotten a free drink :) hehehee. that's right. it's called working the system. So today isn't too exciting.. we have a couple classes, unfortunately we now have not only a tuesday night class but also a thursday night class[at least they are not taught by the same person] Oh yea. and we just found out that we're getting consequences for slacking. I've gotten into "trouble" more times this year than i think i have since like freshman year. crazy.
So i'm having trouble with my external hard drive which is extremely annoying because it has all of my music and pictures and documents on it... i kind of want to chuck the expensive non-working thing across the room. but i know that i can't.
oh well. This is when i wish i had a job.. so i could replenish my warranty on things and have other people fix it instead of just tampering with it for hours and getting absolutely nothing accomplished. This would be my life.

love you!
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

I don't think I've ever had anyone in my life who prays as much as you do... and whose prayers actually visually affect my life like yours do.
Honestly, i'm amazed. And, as much as i hate how God answers your prayers....i look up to you so much. I was just thinking about it today... and it is incredible how you have taken my little heart... and snuck your way into every little nook and cranny of my life-[whether you knew it or not...] and have already begun to make a crazy impact that i wasn't expecting out of Napa.

i think you will be one of those "forever friends"

i love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

Hello! Long time no talk. So, yesterday night was an absolute blast. I hid in my room for most of the night. Then, I went to target and bought the movie He's Just Not That Into You. .. have you seen that yet? soo good. i loved it. and i got the world's cutest thank you cards...seriously I'm so excited about them.
So the random thing that i realized today is that I'm going to have to buy myself a new towel. Why you may ask? well, the world's cutest towel that i own.. [it's black and white with both sides switching polka dots] every time i use it it covers me with black fuzz.. which is both annoying and slightly awkward. haha.
So in the box that my dad sent me for my birthday were all these random little games that you play when you're super bored [perfect for me, right!?] So i now have a miniature bowling set that i busted out today and then a little thing of playdough,and also a mini touch screen scrabble game! such a blast.
SOOOO tomorrow is another holiday! Saint Patrick's Day! i have no idea what i'm going to wear but i just know that it will be ridiculously infused with green. umm speaking of holidays...someone sent me a rabbit ear headband? i wonder what makes them think i will wear that. huh.
Anywho. So i was looking at the calendar and i realized that tomorrow we are pretty much halfway through march!!! yay. and, oh have you checked that website that us interns aren't supposed to know about? they finally updated it for the first time since January. and they finally told us when Glory Week is: April 12-18. yay. i honestly think that we are all going to murder each other that week. if a lot of us already aren't getting along really just spending 6am-5pm together, imagine 24/7. oh well. it will be an adventure. i like adventures. however, I'm not 100% excited about the ropes course. we'll see how that goes.

PS... totally craving lemon bars. I can't wait.

15 days.

Dear Amanda,

Today i have an AG history final.... and i'm almost 75% sure that i will fail. seriously, i've never tried to memorize so much information about names and dates and events that i've never even heard of so hard in my life... and yet, i feel like i retained absolutely none of it. so....adieu to my record of passing every berean final that i've taken. So sad.

oh, and zac and i haven't exchanged one word or even a glance for the last 3 days. Imagine how great next year is going to be! yay! haha.
i missed you last night. So sad i didn't see you.

......[after the test].......

HAHAHAHAHAHA i just got 100%.


love you.
xoxo

Dear Amanda,

Today is my birthday!!!!!!!! YAY!
I'm soooo excited. So I have already begun to have a great day. Me and Jaclyn hung out this morning, and now i am sitting in class having a blast already. really.
i can't wait to see you!

xoxo